Withered

Men don’t like strong women” they said. They don’t like independent women who know how to do on their own; they don’t like women who don’t need them”. That’s what people said; it was the agreed-upon rule that was dictated to her over an over every time she tried to voice out her opinions.

She couldn’t oblige and she decided that if a man doesn’t like what she’s struggled so long to be, then what is there to like about any man!

Perhaps naïve, but it was enough to keep her obliviously happy.

Until there was him. 

 “I admire smart women, I find them attractive the way they carry their own weight, unlike the needy ones who feel like a heavy burden that weighs me down” he said with his eyes peering though her, unraveling through under all her layers of strength and self preservation. In time, her entire world revolved around him; she could feel herself getting weaker and dependent inside but she was smart enough to not let it show, to not let it take over. That was what made her special and she wouldn’t forsake it, not out of pride, but out of simple logic: she wouldn’t allow herself to be anything less than who he loved. 

So when his actions broke her, the only way she could manage to not fall apart was to retaliate and return the favor; eye for an eye. She wasn’t exactly aware of her actions; she was driven by her desperate need to not break, to remain strong and independent at any cost. However, when she came to her senses and realized that mirroring a wrong action does not make it any less painful, she came clean and admitted to him all her mistakes and owned them like a strong woman does. 

He was outraged with pain and anger. He kept saying all she had to do was speak of her weakness, that he would have preferred her to be weak than to cross him, and that even after that he would have preferred it if she had kept it from him even if it meant she’d think less of herself. He punished her for her strength, and as days passed, she became more fragile than she has ever been in her life while he kept taking away pieces from her deeming her more helplessly in love with him despite his anger and his unforgivingness. She rationalized his emotional abuse and gave him all the excuses in the world, ones he wouldn’t even consider giving her. 

Until she completely broke down and collapsed right before his eyes, until she was no longer that strong independent women he admired. She fell apart right in his arms and he failed to hold her. And so… he left.

He said he was leaving because he loved her too much to cause that horrid change; he loved her too much to take out his anger on her and cause her to become someone who would forever resent him the minute she realized what he’s done to her. He left.

She was never the same; she might have grown strong scar tissue where he had ruptured her heart and soul, but the sad truth is that scar tissue is dead; it may not feel pain, but it never heals or grows either. He has forever scarred her and robbed her of the essence that was behind her strength. 

He left because he said he loved her too much, didn’t he know that you never leave the one you love, especially not to their demons and their despair deprived of hope and faith and feeling nothing but loss.

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~ by insomniac on May 8, 2014.

2 Responses to “Withered”

  1. I really like this one…!
    especially the end “He left because he said he loved her too much,….. and feeling nothing but loss.”

  2. You are beautiful…You are very intelligent…Stand Tall within Grace with humility, it is okay to fall down and skin-up your knee once in a while. It’s part of being human.

    You are never very far from my foremost thoughts, it seems, even though we rarely communicate which is my fault and I’m sorry. I am still your number One fan. You are missed and loved and I am trusting the Powers that be that you and yours are safe and well during these trying times.

    Don’t ever stop writing Merry!!!

    W/Love, Gilbert

    p.s. I’m still not really on-line or doing email, just a pop in to see how you are doing…

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