The Dead

 I never got to visit my late nana’s grave since she died until last year. Years ago when she died, I didn’t know where she was buried and I have heard that it was unfavorable to visit the dead and well, the whole idea was unsettling…

But missing her increased over the years and I found myself always wishing I would go sit next to her grave and just sit… I didn’t want to cry, I wanted to take flowers that I never gave her when she was alive, I wanted to recite Quran, I wanted to feel whatever presence left of her in that place…

When I finally went with my youngest uncle (the only one who actually cares enough to visit), I stood there locked outside the graveyard with him and my two cousins who have no recollection of her, we recited Quran silently and I didn’t know how to feel…

I can’t say I felt her presence, I can’t say that I felt nothing either… I just felt… confusion… I wished I could go inside beyond that door and hug the earth covering her, I wished I could cry but no tears came, I just stood there and kept whispering to her “I miss you, I really do”… I couldn’t mention how much I love her, because it would remind me how much she loved me and then I would cry, oh, but did I not want to cry?!!!

I would like to visit her again; in fact, I would have had it been safe, but given how unsafe it is to drive on those roads, I don’t, but I would visit once I can, and I would get them keys to get inside, and I would see if I could plant some greenery in that corner to keep her company when I am not there…

It’s a lot like that now, I reconnect with something that wouldn’t die, but is nonetheless buried under layers of pain, unforgiveness, foolish pride, and despair… I wish I’d hold it so close to my heart but it’s like a burning amber that would burn my heart to ashes over and over, so I just leave it in the earth hoping time would take care of it all whichever way… it’s how I pay my respects and my love to all that was and probably still is…

I know people grieve differently, I know, but it adds insult to injury when I see you doing the exact opposite.

~ by insomniac on April 3, 2012.

2 Responses to “The Dead”

  1. Well Dear yes, all of us grieve differently but you have to know that she is not there and you could reach out to her whenever you want. I know that your emotion and attachment is to the last physical place she was in which is obviously her grave. But try to reach out and dig up the memories, the moments, that connected you together. It will make you feel better and of course planting something there and thinking it will grow and keep her company is a great idea. Hope you feel better soon and how knows may be she would come and visit you in your dreams soon :) Hang in there.

  2. i think it’s the most difficult feeling in life ,, to lose someone you love and b sure he wont come back ever … it’s a feeling that noone can realize …

    it’s not the matter of the age of that lost person or the way of death or even how much we were close before death … but it’s all about the idea of loss and the regression for every single moment we didnt spend together that never get back …

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: