Emotional Chaos

I never had that before, or I did but I lost it some time ago.

Someone who’d sense my agitation across oceans even though he doesn’t have a clue what I’m going through… and then reach out to me, and when I reluctantly respond, he calls and offers all the support he can… and then follows up day in and day out, and when I reject the support ad sink in my depression as I disappear even further, he tries to reach out even harder….

And then he calls me from a local number and tells me he flew to Cairo to see what’s wrong and be there…

And then I just lost my voice as tears kept flowing from my eyes with both awe and disbelief, that there is someone in this world who is actually there for me when I was just praying for a magic wand to fix all my problems!

But instead of letting my sobs be heard to him, I just hang up, so that I can gasp and cry loudly without him hearing my aching manifesting in uncontrollable cries of pain I can no longer control!

I don’t want that done for me, I don’t want to be loved like that anymore because it hurts, the idea of someone loving me the way I once loved is now scary because I couldn’t get over the loss of a love that couldn’t make it through, and I know this love will be lost too one day and I just can’t depend….

I really love you since even before I knew what love is, you were everything I needed to grow up feeling as loved, but I am not that little girl anymore, I am full of pain and the scars to show it and I have lost so much love I am too scared you’d be gone if you really know what I have become or what if you die just like she did… I really can’t afford loss anymore.

I sound like my worst nightmare.

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~ by insomniac on March 2, 2012.

One Response to “Emotional Chaos”

  1. I totally and utterly agree and now anything that intense scares the crap out of me. It makes me feel somehow like a little child who knows for a fact that the monster is indeed under the bed although all the grown ups have checked and told her that nothing is there. But she knows better, she knows that yes nothing bad is there now but it will be in the end. It makes me believe that somehow among the shit that we got over and that we had to face we rather get the normal expected cold reality than tasting the totally marvelous feelings that we know in our hearts that it wont last.

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