I will write

The death you urge for me to learn is not as graceful as you try to convince yourself. Grace means doing your best, fighting for what you believe, for what you hold dear to your heart, living it until your last breath, that’s when death is indeed graceful. But giving up because you “tried but it hurt too much” is weakness and cowardice, not grace.

The more you use death as an analogy, the more doubts you give me about all there is I once thought was beyond doubt. Don’t taint death and don’t disgrace the dead for you and I have lost people so dear to us whom we know would have fought to stay with us, or at least so we would like to believe.

And don’t ask me not to write; don’t silence me to justify your disgraceful silence. Don’t blame me for making it harder for you with my words, because unlike yours, my conscience is not too guilty to speak its mind. Yes, to write about loss is painful, but to write about it knowing that you have tried your best is more dignified that sinking in silence because of the shame of having given up what you should have fought for.

I will write because I want to remember, and I want you to remember until the memory deprives you of all the peace you try your best to fake; I hope my words shatter it to pieces. The reason my words scare you is that they remind you of the pain you caused, that’s what true words do, they simply tear down all the false justifications one makes when one disappoints. So I will write, for my own peace; words hurt, but they are also the cure for those who don’t have a guilty conscience.

I will write, you can choose not to read; that would be your decision.

~ by insomniac on February 21, 2012.

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