False Impressions

It’s easy to buy into the thought that we have false impressions of others. It is harder to believe though that we might have false impressions of ourselves, as truer and even more common as it is!

I always thought I was selfish, turns out, I wish I were selfish, I aspire to being selfish, but I never really pull through with my attempted selfishness… I really try, I really want to, I really really really perceive selfishness as something good, I talk my friends and close people into being selfish, but I could never really pull through for my own self all the way. Turns out I am a failure at being truly selfish… and it doesn’t mean I am selfless or great, I am just not selfish.

I always thought I was a give upper, that I lack persistence… God I am not! I am the kind of fighter they probably needed in those raw wars fought centuries before my time where a fighter would fall a million times and keeps standing up to get more hits in the face and the body until their own bodies fail them before their wills do. I don’t know how to let go or give up so long as my soul is tied to something; it would definitely take me down before I even attempt to let go. I may have put it in a heroic form, but I am not necessarily fighting for a good cause to be proud of that personal trait; in fact, I believe good causes have the tendency to lose me when they get tainted by what people label them… but that’s another rant.

I never thought I was the forgiving type; I always believed I was as unforgiving as sin and always trashed second chances. But I lived to see a year (or perhaps two) of me giving second chances and completely believing in them, and I am proud of myself for that, I needed to know that I have it in me to forgive, it helped me believe in people and it really helped me to let go of so much anger and hate I once thought I’d take to my grave.

I am stubborn, proud (very egoistic actually), resilient, yet whiny and in constant need of reassurance that I am a great person. Why? Because I grew up where none of that was acknowledged, at least not to my face, where I had to fight for that kind of acknowledgement let alone praise after having been fed that I am selfish, a give upper, and black-hearted. Because every time I was actually praised, it either meant nothing or was for the wrong reasons.

But it’s ok, I get it, sort of… we all have our issues and our demons and we all have them chasing us either until they get us or until we get over them… I am not yet sure which is my case; I am still haunted and lost in that forest, but this is a brief moment of clarity that I was taught to cherish…

*lighting a match*

I am a good person, a kind person, funny, smart and make for interesting company. I have good taste in about everything, and I have an opinion about everything too, but it’s open minded and accepting of others.

That match will go to a kindling, and it won’t fade out taking me to that black hole that keeps absorbing me into its darkness. A friend told me “you will always have people who love and care for you, even when you’re dark, self-absorbed, and resentful of the entire world, because a true friend will also remember how much of a good friend you have always been and will not only give you a break when you’re down, but will be there for you” … I was too angry and sad to let it go through when I first heard it, but every day, a friend does something so random yet kind for me, and it’s God’s reminder that I have good friends, much better than those I thought I lost. That’s my kindling.

~ by insomniac on December 12, 2011.

One Response to “False Impressions”

  1. it’s surprising how 2 persons can be so different but yet so alike,, if i posted your first 4 paragraphs , I could easily fool people into thinking I wrote them.
    It’s never late to realize that you are a great person. as long as you keep it in mind from now on. also I agree with your friend . True friends are there when you down and if they can’t get you up. they at least can whisper encouragements in your ears till you get the strength to try to stand again

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