Nothing

I was told what to do…

You looked at me and I could see it all in your eyes behind that foolish ego that always tore us apart…

I walked toward you and wrapped my arms around your neck as you wrapped yours around me…

You started crying as you held me tighter…

Nothing, I felt nothing…

I held you tighter, in an attempt to summon those feelings I had always felt for you, to let them wrap around us and fix this, but nothing came…

I started crying and shivering in your arms because I felt nothing, and you probably thought I was apologizing or asking for your forgiveness or feeling all the things I should be feeling, but I felt nothing…

Is it because the spell that bound me to you was finally broken??

Is it because the most abusive relationship of my life, the one that created a solid pattern for all my other relationships to follow just ended in an even more dramatic way??

Or is it because I am numb?

I feel like I am a dying soul in a hollow shell of a body, withering slowly…

A couple of hours later, I laid in bed with the right half of my body shaking nonstop as it has been since we let go of each other… I was hearing the same old broken record, and instead of replying back, I could hear the echo of my words fading inside my head as my body shook even harder and tears fell through my eyes…

The most abusive relationship of my life, the one that created a solid pattern for all my other relationships to follow just ended… but it also ended me, I am no longer myself, and I no longer have the strength to get out of my negativity and try to distract myself until I am better, I have nothing to look forward to because this relationship and all those that followed its pattern had sucked me dry, and now my soul is slowly dying.

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~ by insomniac on November 3, 2011.

8 Responses to “Nothing”

  1. It’s been a hell of time since I last logged into your space ! but one thing remains, Sorrow and feeling of heartache that your diaries leave one me :( .
    I know you hate sympathy , so I am kinda speechless.
    I didn’t quite get what it is all about ! for an instance I thought you were gettin back to your X ! but I now think No !
    I know it’s easily said , woman , be strong.

  2. oh i am never going back to my ex, this is not even up for my discussion from my end under any circumstances…

    that’s all i can say anyway….

    didn’t wanna be heartbreaking, but it is what it is.

    thank you for your kind words batates

  3. I have been away for so long I have no idea what you are talking about.
    I am one of the people who used to read you at blogspot. You won’t recognize the name, cause I used to write in a different name, which i have no desire to reveal .
    But if i had to take a wild guess a would say that post is about your mother.
    I hope all is well with you.

  4. no lobna, not my mom… that mess of a relationship with my mom influenced one bad choice of my life, my ex-husband…

    this is a more complex and more subtle mess, yet so obvious to every one but me…. it’s those we love so much who have such power, not those who we publicly and openly resent….

    makes me sound like a horrible daughter :)

  5. I remember an old post of yours were you said, you are a better friend then anything else, better friend than you are a daughter or a sister . or at least it’s what I remember of it. I always have felt the same and still do. but I also believe that it’s about the dynamics between the 2 persons more then it is about one person doing that.
    I am not making a lot of sense. hope to read many more of your coming posts

  6. Really :D I will go read it

  7. At the risk of sounding annoyingly optimistic and positive and all the things you made clear that you hate, I believe you need to conjur strength from the pain that was inflicted upon you.
    I know people so often preach strength but I’ve been there ..

    “I held you tighter, in an attempt to summon those feelings I had always felt for you, to let them wrap around us and fix this, but nothing came…

    I started crying and shivering in your arms because I felt nothing, and you probably thought I was apologizing or asking for your forgiveness or feeling all the things I should be feeling, but I felt nothing…”

    …e x a c t l y there.

    When you are finally free of the shackles that bound you to cruelty, you should sprint towards beauty. I realize you don’t see beauty much surrounding you. But you said in an earlier post that the beauty we see is a projection of what is left within us. I think beauty is unconditional. I think that no matter how someone drains it out of you, it still lies within you. And no matter what small portion was left, beauty can be multiplied because it will forever lie in the eyes of the beholder.

    Have faith. Be strong.

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