The Spell that Binds My Heart*

you’re not dependent on me

 “in a way, I am”

 “no

 “well I am, whether you like it or not”

 “you shouldn’t be dependent on me, you’re smarter than that… you know I have issues, I’m not exactly stable

 “it doesn’t change the fact that I am”

With that last phrase, she tried to swallow that lump in her throat as she felt that familiar pain taking over her heart.

Why does he do that? Why does he insist on reminding her of why it ended? And he had to do that at the exact same time her heart and soul were pulling her back to him!

It didn’t end because he’s “unstable” or because he “has issues”, they were both unstable and they both have issues, among the million other things they have in common. It ended because she was willing to take a chance while he wasn’t… and the mere memory of that never fails to make her heart ache the way it does every time one of those memories hit her when she least expects it.

The memory plays before her eyes all over again, his big brown eyes holding back all those tears while tears were pouring out of hers as she kept smiling to make it all look less sad… he mumbled to me “don’t do that” and she smiled even more, nodding, and mumbling back “I’m ok, we’re ok”…

And so she did what she does best, she got stubborn, she got strong, and she ran in the opposite direction betting that her feelings for him would fail to catch up if she kept on cheating the pain  by all the available distractions and by pretending their friendship is growing stronger that way… but somehow he always caught up with how he cares for her, how he supports he, and how he does all the little things to make sure she’s ok, to make sure she doesn’t dwell on any bad thoughts before she sleeps…

And she is reminded all over again… that no one does that but him… because she lets no one do it but him… he’s the one she chooses to run to when she panics because only the tone of his voice soothes her even when they talk about the same things that disturb her…

So yes, she depends on him, perhaps more than she should… he always gets her, he knows how to handle all her madness, her breakdowns, and her panics just by being him… and that’s why she was willing to take her chances and get over whatever issues she has about being with someone… because it wasn’t just “someone”, it was him

But he’s an idiot like that, an idiot she knows is crazy about her… an idiot who’s too scared to take a chance and so he realizes “she deserves better”, and then her pride ticks and she repeat to herself that she does deserve “better”… but the sad part remains that she doesn’t want to take her chances with better

So in her own oblivion she just depends on him to always be there to make her feel better if he can’t (or doesn’t want to) be better for her sake… and he always comes through, until he realizes that by doing so they only get closer again so he tells her to stop depending…

* Written on February 22, 2011.

Who knew it was a “lather, rinse, and repeat” and that the idiot would break her heart in a way she would never want to recover… 

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~ by insomniac on October 19, 2011.

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