Protect me.

Why do you think I am so strong and dependable rather than weak and depending?!

Some of it is in my genes, but also, I had to learn to protect myself at such an early age… because you didn’t do it for me; you simply never recognized the abuse I had to deal with… if anything, you would always come up with reasons why I should endure that “so called” abuse…

Yeah, I give you that you helped me develop some character; I am grateful, I really am.

But what you never really see through is what’s under that strong, larger than life, crust… there lies an emotionally immature person who is completely incapable of self-protection or self-preservation, a person who’s too scared to trust her own instincts… you also helped create that… even worse, you created it in the dark where it was a secret I dared not reveal, yet had to live with its consequences…

Such unbearable duality… “be strong, be confident, be responsible, there is nothing you can’t do” until it comes to crossing your lines defending myself against abuse; there comes all the constrains and doctrines I must respect, this is where you raise the religious flags and tie my hands behind me with society’s decaying chains, using my gender role against me, among other things…

And so you created that painful duality inside of me… “I don’t need anyone’s protection; don’t do anything for me, I don’t want favors”, when all I really need is to feel safe and protected, but God forbid I’d let it show; it would lessen me… and so, I deny myself what I need the most of those who can give it to me…

Why didn’t you save us all the trouble and teach me to be one of those girls who would only follow and never question, and never never never dare take the lead when they think it’s best for them…

يا ريتك شجعتني ابقى بهيمة… تتربط في زريبة و تتسمن و تخلف و تتحلب و تجر من غير مايكون ليها رأي… لازمته ايه الرأي مادام دايما هيتحجر عليه مرة بإسم الدين و مرة بإسم العرف و التقاليد

I asked you once months and months ago why you never protected me. I was in tears and so were you.

Were you crying because you were insulted by my tantrum, or because you could see the damage I was trying to convey??

How would you feel if you realize all the things where you failed to protect me?? Which of it would you take responsibility for? And which would you blame me for because it would tear you apart to recognize your part in it?

Would it ease your pain or your guilt to know that some of my falls have taught me things and made me a better person?? But would you even be able to recognize that good person you refuse to see simply because she doesn’t fit that mold?? Would you be able to love her just like she has it in her to forgive you for your shortcomings? Or would you love her –a little bit less- as a failure of your own expectations rather than see how far off she’s become?

May be you should have never protected me; but neither should you have prevented me from protecting myself or conditioned your love to how enduring I would be of abuse. Perhaps then I would have been able to protect myself better from all the misfortunes I had to go through, or at least would have not blamed you for them.

May be it wasn’t the lack of protection that hurt, may be what always hurt was that I could never come to you for either protection or solace; I always felt alone and exposed, which made me dig myself deeper in shit before I could get out of it…

I am angry at you today for choosing not to see, for looking the other way and drowning yourself further in denial, for not letting me stand up for myself when you have made it clear long ago that you wouldn’t do it for me!!!

So no, don’t protect me; instead, see me, listen to me, or just let me be.

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~ by insomniac on April 24, 2011.

One Response to “Protect me.”

  1. ur father loves u a lot in fact am sure u know that . may be its the only way how to do it still he loves u .

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