And then that dream…

I felt a strong wave of that pain, I wrote it off in exactly four lines about dying…

Then, I did what I do best, shook it off… I already have millions of disturbing thoughts that take turns haunting me, and I am becoming more accepting of them…

Then that dream…

I was visiting a different country; either Jordan or Kuwait, I know because it was a work visit and I was going to the head office of either my old employer or my current… a few familiar faces from both workplaces were saying the friendly “hi’s” and shaking hands… and all of a sudden, I was surrounded by warm strong arms hugging me so lovingly… the instant I realized whose arms those were I started holding on to them and started crying silently in disbelief…

Something about dreaming of a dead loved one is both extremely happy and sad! I don’t know about people, but it makes me realize I am dreaming, and I feel overwhelmed by all those feelings of loss and linger all at once… and feeling her that close was strange…

I woke up trying to remember how many times she gave me such a strong hug when she was alive… it was probably every time I visited since I left…

You’re ok, right?” she’d always ask after everyone would go back to minding their business, I’d smile and nod, she’d ask me again with a glance studying my facial expression,

As ok as one can be given everything” I finally say with a smile and a shrug,

She’d pat my leg and say “I know you’re a strong woman, in my years I have seen no one like you, R is strong and diplomatic, but you, you have fire in you, and you have a stubborn streak, and you shine like that

I don’t feel like I am shining anymore… حاسة اني اطفيت…

I guess it was a message, or perhaps  a coping mechanism…

Either way, I miss Safaa and her motherly care; she was the mom I never had; good listener, always supportive even when giving her lashes of criticism, and she had that quality my father had, but she was more capable of showing her love while remaining as strong as ever, one of the strongest I have met…

May her beautiful soul rest in peace.

Advertisements

~ by insomniac on January 20, 2011.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: