I am not good at dealing with pain. I deny it, I pretend it’s not there, and when I finally acknowledge it and allow it to show, I murmur to myself that it’s no big deal, and that it will take its time and fade away, just like everything else. I think that’s why pain haunts me too often; I never actually deal with it, I try to fool it from hurting me, but seriously, who can outsmart pain?!

So earlier this week when I knew there will be too much pain to feel, I reluctantly went to the medicine cabinet for painkillers and I gulped one pill after the other. I did that the moment I felt the pain invading me; I knew the effect of the pain killers would wear off anyway, but I just couldn’t wait until the pain was too much for any pill to kill.

It’s like when you take that anesthetic shot at the dentist’s before a painful procedure. You know your mouth would be a war zone and that your best chance of survival would be to not feel that pain as everything is taking place inside your mouth, you know that once the anesthetic wears off, you will feel nothing but pain… yet, you keep biting onto your numb lips until you wake up the next day with blood stains on your pillow from the bleeding lips and too much pain that you’re not sure which of it you caused and which was caused to you.

So now, I am sitting home alone, parents and sisters out, boys at their dad’s for the weekend. I actually got out of bed and made myself breakfast that I didn’t finish and coffee that I ended up throwing in the sink. After washing the dishes, I just sat in bed and decided to deal with my pain, to get to know it so that I wouldn’t take pills to end it…

I can’t.

I only keep hearing hundreds of songs in my head that resonate with the pain and bring it to life even more… and I feel nothing but silence around me, deafening silence that multiplies that pain and adds more emotions to it.

And still, that pain wouldn’t explain itself to me; it wouldn’t even promise to walk away and leave me when it’s done.

I try imagery, but I am stuck on one image that does nothing but bring more pain.

I am now soaking my hair in cream because it seems angry at how little care I’ve given it the past few days…

I keep staring at nothingness, telling myself that it’s better than heading towards the medicine cabinet and taking one pill after the other until I am too numb to feel anything, because it would only tempt me to invite more pain!

~ by insomniac on December 24, 2010.

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