In my head…

There is a big elephant that I cannot see, that I do not wish to see…

And there is a panther…

A deer…

And a monkey…

All perfectly hiding under loads and loads of clutter… clutter of thoughts, feelings, memories, old pains, new pains, fears, worries, plans, and unfinished projects…

The clutter is messy enough to hide the elephant, the panther, the deer, and even the damn restless monkey…

I would up and clean up the mess and put everything where it belongs, but then I would be left with four different animals that just don’t belong in there, and they would stand out, and perhaps fight or try to hunt one another causing my poor head to explode…

Actually, I am too unmotivated to figure out how to clean up the mess… I mean, what goes with which? Would the memories go with old pains? Would the thoughts go with the plans or the fears? Would the feelings go with the worries and perhaps the new pains?? And where would that leave the unfinished projects???

I am not even sure I have enough capacity to contain all that let alone process it… I am overwhelmed and not exactly happy…

I can’t face the clutter, or the damn zoo that’s in there… I don’t want to face how helpless I am or how extremely out of control everything is…

Perhaps the answer is to have faith and let go of certain things…

If only I knew what to let go of, and what to hold on to…

Could this hurt a little bit less, because the pain is making it impossible to have the needed patience to wait and see… and the painkillers leave me too numb to see and appreciate any lesson there is to learn…

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~ by insomniac on October 23, 2010.

4 Responses to “In my head…”

  1. really like your writing.

  2. Merry, I love this :'(
    So much! <3

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