But what is the point…

I know it all adds up at some point, I know there is a grander plan in which I can have faith… but when do I get to see it, or at least see glimpses of it to let me know I am on the right track…

I don’t want reassurances or guarantees, I just needs signs accompanied by moments of joy and peace so that I won’t lose my way, because I am losing it, I am getting entangled in traps I never thought would get hold of me, and I know, I know that I can be saved from them if I have more faith…

My faith weakens and I no longer see or feel my purpose or my role, I am losing sight of whatever it was that I was supposed to keep my eyes on…

I feel lost, and I am no longer trying to find my way…

What is the point? Of finding a way… of recognizing a pattern… of being aware of what I am really made of… what is the point???

I am not the only one, I know… but it doesn’t bring my heart any comfort to know that millions and millions of people around the world suffer the way I do or wonder about the same things that keep me hung on my confusions…

I am tired of people shoving up big words on faith or religion trying to make sure I don’t go astray. People do nothing but impose guilt and project their own feelings of inferiority to make you feel more inferior so that they wouldn’t be alone… or to satisfy their savior complex… or to give themselves the illusion of being useful… I don’t want that, I don’t need it, it doesn’t help me…

I am tired, I am tired from the battles one after the other, always making me stronger in ways, but still taking pieces away from me in other ways…

I feel like I am losing rather than gaining… so if there is gain in all that loss, I need a sign now because I’m just too scared realizing it in retrospect might not be enough…

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~ by insomniac on October 23, 2010.

3 Responses to “But what is the point…”

  1. There will always be a battle to fight. It’s unavoidable. Being here is so draining sometimes… For me the point is to make the most of what is important to me, for however briefly it may be.

    • i used to think that the point was to make the most of every little thing no matter how briefly it is… but if “briefly” or “temporary” or “while it lasts” isn’t enough… what if there is more, and what if i want it… worse, what if i can’t have it because perhaps it was never meant for me, where does that leave me?

  2. Briefly is never enough, not for as long as we still want more. Which is precisely why we have to hold it when we still have it. After it’s gone, sometimes there’s nothing we can do except to resign ourselves to the loss. When feelings like confusion, hopelessness or despair take hold, maybe what saves us (what saved me) is the fact that breathing is involuntary… Time can be a good friend sometimes.
    Aside from all this, I still wish some things would last forever…

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