If you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love…

You never promised me heaven, you only threatened me with hell; it was the answer to every unacceptable behavior…

I was never good, or I was never good enough…

You gave me a name that’s too big for any human being, and expected me to live up to it, to be that person… you forgot that no one is her, but her… and you never realized that I would always ALWAYS look bad in comparison to her…

By the way, no one ever told her how to be who she was; she chose it, it was her calling that she willingly and lovingly answered… you denied me that when you gave me her name and expected me to live up to it; you denied me the choice and the sense of achievement and belonging that comes with it… you took it away from me thinking you have given me too much…

For whatever it’s worth…

You never helped; if anything, you hindered…

You did not help me reach my potential; you denied me my potential because you were so afraid of it contradicting with your aspirations for me…

You do not have a clue who I really am, or what I am really capable of, whether you see my qualities or my flaws or both of them, they are not just it, they do not define me or give you the slightest clue of who I am. Actually, you even mix the qualities with the flaws and call things with what they are not… you really don’t know me…

And I lived all my life hoping you would know me… hoping you would even see me, even for a little bit so that you’d see who I really am, and that you’d see the beauty of me so that I can believe it… but you never did, and so I never really did either… instead, I kept everything about me in the hidden and denied myself one thing after the other until I could no longer recognize who I really am or what I really want…

And you never got to see me, you only see what I fail to be when it comes to your expectations… and in my desperate attempts to make you see, I wasted an entire life time not being who I would have wanted to be had I been given the choice. I wasted my energy trying to make you see what I couldn’t be instead of being whatever it was I should have become!!!

And it took me all those years to finally get it… you will never see, unless you want to see… unless you do the work and the effort it would take of you to see, and even then, I have no role in that process, it is all you and it is never for me to help you or make you want to see…

All my life, I have tried to be flawless in hopes of winning your love… only now I realize it was never your prize to give, and that if it were ever for you to choose, then perhaps I should have never wanted it in the first place!

I wish I had known that all along, instead of letting you define who I was…

Advertisements

~ by insomniac on September 23, 2010.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: