If it were up to me…

I would not get out of bed…

I would not wash my face or even look in the mirror…

I would not get out of my room, let alone go through my daily routines…

I would just lay there, unable to sleep, unable to cry, unable to even think properly…

But for some reason that I still don’t get, it is not really up to me…

So I went to bed early in hopes of sleep…

So I woke up early to spend my last day off of work…

So I went to the pool with Rasha…

So I made the decision to start going to the gym tomorrow…

So I had my nails done and almost got my hair dyed…

I have no idea why or for whom I am keeping it together… I don’t even want to do it for myself, yet I do it… I push myself through until it passes…

So I kept it together as much as I could, until that smoke, I inhaled it all in like I never did before… I gave myself a sarcastic smile, a smoker who works out, yet another extreme…

Until I went home… my mask fell down just like that…

I tried to hide in my bed under the covers, but I couldn’t…

I tried to talk to my dad and my sister, but I couldn’t…

I went to my laptop and started playing music to which I know I shouldn’t be listening…

I don’t mean to be cold and distant, it’s just the only way I try to keep it together…

It is not cruelty, it’s pain…

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~ by insomniac on September 13, 2010.

One Response to “If it were up to me…”

  1. ohhh Inso :(

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