The Merry-Go-Round

This is not a happy or cheerful post… it is just the thoughts that keep going round and round in my head driving me crazy… Each thought is a post material, but I wouldn’t allow it to stay in my head long enough to dwell; I am no longer sure which is worse, the dwelling or the merry going round and round in my head…

So here it goes…

*****

I DON’T KNOW!!!!!

For someone who is so obsessed about knowing, it really confuses me how I can’t seem to know what I want… I appreciate knowledge, but when it comes to knowing what I want, sometimes I think I willingly build a barrier… I know very well what I do not want, but it does not help me much defining what I would want… I once caught myself thinking “I’d rather know what I don’t want because losing it does not hurt… but it is too hard to know what I’d want only to lose it”… I guess that pretty much says it all

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“محدش بيخاف على حد اكتر من نفسه”

على قد ما الجملة دي فيها شئ كبير من الصحة، على قد ما مش بحسها بتنطبق عليا… أنا فعلا بخاف على ناس محددين اكتر ما بخاف على نفسي! و المصيبة إن “محددين” دي مش منحصرة على اللي بحبهم، لأ، اللي ممكن احس اني ممكن اظلمهم (تخيلوا بقة اللي بحبهم)…و دة مش لأني عظيمة أو قلبي كبير، بس اللي بيتظلم مش ممكن يقدر يظلم غير لو حاجة ماتت جواه، و انا دايما بخاف الحاجة دي تموت جوايا… الغباوة بقى إني بصمم دابما اظلم نفسي!!! عشان كده كتير أوي يفكر ان نفسي حد يخاف عليا اكتر ما بيخاف على نفسه، عشان ساعتها هبقى مطمنة ان فيه حد خايف عليا.. طبعا ده هبل، لكن بما ان الجملة منطبقتش عليا، ممكن أوي تكون مش بتنطبق على حد تاني بما اني مش فلتة

*****

“This is how the gods reward the faithful through the ages, forcing us to prove that the hardest things we’ve done… are EASY as a life”

But life is hard! But yes, hard decisions are easy… they are easily identified, but the hardest to live with… I am not even sure… that phrase is from a song written for the Broadway version of Verdi’s Aida; hence, the “gods”, but putting faith connotations aside, how cruel yet enlightening it is to do something hard only one day to realize that the hardest thing you’ve done was easy; easy in comparison to something else, like living with the alternative… right now everything is hard, and I feel like I am bat locked in a room full of nothing but noise causing me to crash from one wall to the other and do nothing but hurt myself!

*****

“… love is an ever-changing situation… passion would have cooled, and all the magic would have died”

Again, the same song! I always agreed to that line, always… but I wonder, if love holds no everlasting value, what does… Rasha said I was right when I said “love fades”, but I never really said what remains; I don’t know what remains, what is worth holding on to???

*****

KHAYFA… شو بخاف … أنا فزعانة…

I’m afraid… I don’t know the source of my fear… I’m not afraid of change; I am rather afraid of changing into someone I don’t like… and in the process, I am doing all sorts of things that are so unlike me knowing that the moment I pause to see what it is that I am doing, I will probably beat myself up for it for an entire lifetime! It gets even worse, I am losing hope; I feel like I am approaching a dead end… fear and desperation, the worst combo ever, not to mention the wrong medicine…

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MOOD SWINGS

I laugh too hard, too loud, and then I tear up, then burst in tears… I am cold and I am shivering, the next minute I am too hot and sweating all over… I yearn to be held, but then I can’t even stand my own skin… the only things that don’t change are the fatigue, the headaches, and the obscure fear…

*****

I am not done, but the headache is getting worse, and the merry still goes round… will go sink my head in the pillow and hope for dreamless sleep…

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~ by insomniac on September 5, 2010.

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