Forgo, Forget, Forebear, and Forgive…

She no longer remembers the phases, how she went through each of them, which one came first, or even how long she took to go through them… she just knows she turned the page…

All she knows is that she no longer expects anything or waits for anything… no apology, no compensation, and no acknowledgment of whatever she went through. It is a faint memory like a scar that leaves nothing but an ugly mark, a reminder to not repeat whatever caused it, a reminder of a pain that once was but is no longer felt. She does not sympathize of have compassion, but she does not feel the anger or wish agony, she just let go and wants nothing.

That page is turned with the anger, the grief, and the pain it once brought…

What is left however is not something that would bring relief…

Something about scar tissue, it is dead; it does not look like the rest of the tissue around it, and it does not heal or regenerate… it just fills the space where there was once healthy tissue to protect whatever is underneath…

And this is what she is left with, an inability to need, to depend, or to want… an inability to even recognize any of it… and inability to trust, trust others’ intentions or even her own instincts, both have failed her…

The worst part is her current inability to forgo, forget, forbear, and forgive… when it comes to no one but herself… she beats herself up with every breath… she would not allow herself a distraction not even for a little while, unless it is more pain… she tortures herself with hidden guilt and sees all her misfortunes as one punishment after the other… how can she possibly forgive herself?

She forgave him, she forgave them… however, although she no longer expects anything from herself, she cannot forgive herself, and she knows that neither would they.

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~ by insomniac on September 5, 2010.

2 Responses to “Forgo, Forget, Forebear, and Forgive…”

  1. Just right, well said.

  2. Beautiful post, love it!

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