In the clarity of the blur…

It was blurry… like a flash light that was directed at me making my vision rather distorted and taking my balance away from me…

Soon enough, the blur was gone only for the migraine to take over…

Everything hurt; my eyes, my nostrils, my ears, my throat, my neck, and eventually my entire skull…

I started panicking… I talked to two of my friends who tried to comfort me, yet a few more symptoms started taking place… cold sweat, numb hands/arms, and eventually racing heartbeats followed by nausea!

I thought of her and I couldn’t help but wonder if I had taken that gene as well… could I be having a stroke?? I tried to write an email to see if I was still coherent, I am not sure how coherent I was, but the more I wrote, the more I panicked…

I imagined if I would go blind, at least temporarily… I started crying, for all the things I’d miss out on seeing… my boys, my surroundings, even my own mirror image… yes vain, but it actually scared me!

Then I started wondering if I would trade going blind for going deaf and I panicked at the thought of never listening to music again!!! I know, shallow!

But then the scariest thought took hold of me, what if I become a vegetable? I kept praying to God and begging him to just end my life before I lose touch of my surroundings, and then I realized that I am not even ready to die…

I don’t remember ever panicking that way, not even when I was all hormonal and life-hating during both pregnancies… and I don’t remember when stress had taken such extreme measures on my health!! I guess that’s what happens when you’re saying goodbye to your 20s!!

God I fear growing old…

So I am having my eyes examined further tomorrow, plus a few blood tests… I am taking pills that reduce the chances of such migraines, and I am asked to have so7oor because one meal a day apparently isn’t enough!!

I am still rather disoriented… but at least pain free… I am trying so hard not to focus on the mild blurriness I’ve been feeling since the doctor examined my left eye… and I am still rather scared.

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~ by insomniac on August 22, 2010.

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