But what is the reason, for me?

Everything happens for a reason… I believe in that all the way…

I keep replaying things in my mind, not just since the past three years, but even before that… I shuffle all the “why’s”, “when’s”, and “what if’s”… I don’t claim that I understand it all, but it makes sense on some level even if I can’t put my finger on it…

I see the reason behind me, the lesson of me… but the lesson for me to learn is still missing… I am not getting it… I don’t see the reason that serves my existence right here in this place where it hurts that way…

And the real scary part is, I don’t want this to be a part of my “experience portfolio”, something for me to look back at months or years from now and say “oh yeah, I have been there, it passes too”… I never claimed to have seen it all, and more importantly I never wanted to see half of it…

I don’t mean to ask or whine “why me?” I know it’s not for me to know, only to accept, but I really need to know what I should be learning from this, because I do not want to feel that way “just because”… there has to be a reason, and I need to know it!

~ by insomniac on August 18, 2010.

6 Responses to “But what is the reason, for me?”

  1. I urge you to read through Surat Al Kahf.

    Specifically through the part where Moses meets Al-Khedr.
    And he shows him many “semingly” bad doings.

    My point is Moses was not patient enough to wait till El-Khedr tells him the reasons behind it all. Although he was a prophet and all. And Al-Khedr knew he wanted to understand, to know why and how.

    And he told him a couple of times: و كيف تصبر على ما لم تحط به خبرا

    But when the wisdom appeared and everything was explained, it really turned out to be THE BEST thing that could ever happen.

    Wanting to know the reason is normal. The most important thing, is that you have faith that there is a reason. That is enough for now. :)

    Human beings cant help but want to understand the Devine reasoning behind things, but some are just smarter enough than to try. Some smile, accept and say “Let’s just wait and see.”

    • those verses always got to me whenever i read Surat Al Kahf…

      like i said, i accept it, which mean i have faith there is a reason, i really do… i just need to know it, because until i do, i will keep feeling both hurt and confused… i have the closure i need, i just feel too dumb for not knowing what my lesson was and the reason behind it…

  2. Here’s the ideal answer: One day you will, something will click and you will get it and things will be put into perspective and you’ll walk away with a smile on your face.

    Or, alternatively, a more realistic answer would be:

    You may never get it, because maybe some things happen for no reason at all…no cosmic grand plan…they just happen because a certain chain of events and actions led up to them. Sometimes we try to assign meanings and reasons to things just to make ourselves feel better, but in actual fact these things may really have no reason or meaning.

    The randomness is cruel, true, but that is life I guess.

  3. I’ve been told by those that know more than myself that there is no closure, only growth through integration…the quest for the Grail continues in that the journey is the goal and then growth and knowledge are the result…sadly, it all takes time…what would happen if we knew, if we stopped seeking, I can’t imagine life without the question of existence…Peace & Love

    • what if what i know is not satisfying??? what is growth is too painful???

      i was under the impression that we learn a lesson in order to go through a harder lesson afterwords… or something within the same lines… how can i be ready for the next lesson if i learned nothing from this one… or if i refuse to acknowledge what i think i should learn from this one…

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