كنت احلم بنجم لا يغيب، و قمر يدور و يكبر

I hate the dreams. They’re not exactly dreams, and neither are they nightmares; they are just harsh bits of reality chasing me in my few hours of depression-induced sleep. I keep hearing the ring tone or the message ping, so I reach for my phone in my half-awake state to realize it was a dream, so I just toss the phone away again and close my eyes real heard, mad at everything, myself included.

I picked a violin tone for an alarm to wake up to, I thought “rahal” would be too depressing to start the day with… but how can I forget that violins would stir up all the pain I feel and spread it from my guts to my chest where my ribs would keep closing in… I switched off the damn phone and swallowed a huge lump of tears and buried my face in the pillow for another hour.

Random quotes are thrown at me… quotes that hit where it hurts or quotes that I would have loved to discuss… I don’t want to discuss things anymore, too tired.

He calls when I am trying to focus on work (like I need him at that particular time), and he can totally sense my gloom, not because he’s smart or perceptive, but because it’s completely out there for the entire world to see… so it makes him think he can play the knight in shining armor he never was (teet)… “let’s get back together, you won’t feel so blue” he says in his sleazy tone, WTF, I’d hate you if you were worth any emotion, but you’re not even worth that!

Then she calls, telling me something as annoying as ever, and I almost start yelling, but then I take a deep breath and tell myself I will have no one to rant to if I start fighting with her… I don’t need this right now; I don’t need to realize how alone I feel/am.

I am trapped at home because of the Ramadan hours; after Iftar, it’s too late to go out… I don’t want to be with people much… when I’m with people, I laugh to hide it, I laugh too much and too loud, but then the minute I am alone, I feel haunted by what the laughter was hiding… but Rasha soothed me two days ago, and Happy came over last night… when I think about it, I don’t even know where I’d want to go or with whom… like I said, everything is a reminder…

And I have a couple of books I can read, but I am afraid I’d find in the pages what I am trying to escape, so I just go back to sleep… and it starts all over again…

And my honeysuckle died… it dried up and got all yellow, reminding me of how everything turns out at the end… I could revive it or get a new one, but can I really bear another loss?

I know it ends, like everything ends… everything ends, even friendships.

~ by insomniac on August 16, 2010.

2 Responses to “كنت احلم بنجم لا يغيب، و قمر يدور و يكبر”

  1. Its weird how I feel your pain..
    Rabena yeraya7 albek ya inso <3

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