A bang on the head is less painful than a broken leg

When you’re in too much pain and nothing works, just bang your head on to something solid… and instantly, all your pain sensors will pay attention to the newer pain…

I jumped in a pool of pain today to distract my mind and to give my eyes another reason to cry, a reason I can share with people…

So I finally went there…

I couldn’t breathe and I felt both cold and hot as he walked towards me and asked me to get in, but not in the welcoming tone I know…

Tears just rolled, and he couldn’t do anything but hold me… it was not like the old days, and it only made me sob louder…

He dragged me inside and sat me down and then sat as far away as possible from me…

I could tell he wanted a reason to no longer be mad at me… All I had to do was give it…

I looked around at the messy place, the place where I once ran all over and played with everything in it… the place where I had all my fantasy plays and make-beliefs, and then sat at the balcony and daydreamed my life away… and I knew that place no longer existed outside the boundaries of my memory…

He spoke for hours and hours… he spoke of hurt, he spoke of anger, he spoke of hate…  he was so careful not to direct it at me, yet so careless to not see how it made me ache even more…

I cried and sobbed louder every time he said her name, and at some point I begged him to stop talking… no one has ever heard me cry that way or beg that way… I miss her.

He spoke of of anger, he spoke of hate… and as I saw him speak, I realized I could have been him… I might have been him… he said the phrase I always said when I refused to forgive and people would tell me that God forgives all… he said “God forgives all because He is capable of avenging as He pleases, I am not, I am human, I am weak, and I have been wronged; I Just can’t forgive”… funny how neither of us ever heard the other say those words, yet we both said them…

I could have been him… perhaps I was him…

I tried to tell him to let go of the hate and just live… he spoke of hurt, and then he cried, and I cried, and then I let myself reach for his arms… this time he held me like I remembered years and years ago, and instead of surrendering, I patted him on the back and pulled myself back… I know better than to believe he’s safe again, but he’s my blood, my legacy of pain and anger and the one she loved the most… I miss her.

I told him that he has me, and so does his family… even if I don’t have him…

I know he didn’t forgive me, and I completely understand why… but I know he loves me and that he wants me around… and I can live with that…

It is not like before… because I am a grown up now and I know better… I have no expectations of him, and I left no room for his expectations of me other than my being there…

It was not a relief for my pain… it was just a different kind of pain, a pain that I can express here…  a pain without any loss…

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~ by insomniac on August 7, 2010.

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