To the swan I am still unable to see…

When spring came after a painfully long winter, the ugly duckling failed to recognize the swan it had become until its fellow swans recognized it as one of them. Even then, it needed to look down  at the lake to see its very own reflection before it believed it was no longer an ugly duckling.

It’s really hard for me to admit it… but I have always found it really challenging to see the beauty in me; people can tell me all the nice things there is to say, and I would look away as I fail to take the compliment gracefully. Are they just saying that? Are they being nice? Do they want something? Or is it really true?

It’s really hard to believe someone as confident as everyone knows me to be could have such insecurities! But living among ducks all my life, I got used to being bullied that I never had the time to look at myself the way others do, those who see me as a swan that is.

I never belonged and I had given up on belonging. Before that spring, I had managed to find my own imaginary warmth in the coldest winter, my life… I developed all the coping mechanisms and took them to unhealthy extremes just to survive.

A part of me is still frozen. I feel the warmth coming to it, but something somehow keeps me from enjoying the warmth… do frozen things ache when they thaw?? Is that it, pain induced by “physics”?

I always believed change takes time and that the profoundest of changes happen over a long period of time because they happen without us knowing or meaning for them to happen… but when one realizes the change, it feels too sudden to the extent that it feels like it happened over night… a moment it was cold, now it is warm and my body has to deal with the difference in temperature…

Just like the ugly duckling… it didn’t know where or when it was no longer an ugly duckling; it definitely wasn’t sudden, but the realization of it surely was.

Perhaps I need to defrost in order to see the swan…

* Post has been in the making since the last book club session, the same chapter discussed here… plus my life of course..

**Photo was sent to be by the artful Gilbert :)

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~ by insomniac on August 1, 2010.

2 Responses to “To the swan I am still unable to see…”

  1. “It’s really hard to believe someone as confident as everyone knows me to be could have such insecurities! But living among ducks all my life, I got used to being bullied that I never had the time to look at myself the way others do, those who see me as a swan that is.”

    I never belonged too Merry, never ever did…
    It’s so fucking hard to not to, and its even harder to know know or understand how..
    I’m still trying thu, still trying…

    Ya rab :)

    • i strongly recommend you find and read that chapter from the book… it says it all…

      all i can say is never settle for where you don’t belong… keep looking and always have hope… and if you don’t find a place to belong to… belong to yourself, and perhaps people like you will come and belong to you….

      hard, but not belonging is not easy…

      ameen :)

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