Déjà kakka!

There are all the theories about how our lives go in timely patterns, and that we keep reliving certain incidents of our lives until we’re surely over them. I can’t say I am a complete believer in that, but it just came to mind as my aunt told me he was in town these days!

Two years ago, I heard he was in town, and I was shaken at how much I missed him. I called and he hung up the moment I said it was me. I swore I’d never call again.

Last year, I felt too nostalgic for him because I was too vulnerable, and I remembered his name being the one I called out to when things got tough. Everything reminded me of him and it hurt to know that I wouldn’t even try to find out if he was in town.

A couple of months ago, I saw a kid that looked exactly like his son, only skinnier and taller, which could have been the natural effect of growing up! I almost stopped the car to ask the boy if it was really him, but a part of me didn’t really want to find out.

So you’re here… again. How come you never spent that much time in Egypt back when we were on good terms? Urrghh, I don’t still care like I used to, and I no longer think it’s about missing you as much as it is about seeing you and taking one last look at that cracked mirror and see the distortions for what they really are.

If I’d have it my way, I’d go to her house again, and stand there for eternity reliving all my happy days. I’d stand there until I see you going in and I’d see you, but I wouldn’t want you to see me; you don’t deserve to see me, and I wouldn’t want to confuse what I feel for you for what I feel for the place and all the memories associated with it.

I miss the little girl, and I miss the house that felt like home, and I miss her, and I miss what it was like to have you… but I don’t miss what I know is you, not anymore.

So, is that the lesson? Or will I have it all repeated next year????

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~ by insomniac on July 11, 2010.

2 Responses to “Déjà kakka!”

  1. letting go or detaching from what used to be a source of love and compassion is HARD…a nagging pain that i relate to.
    Wish i could do/say anything to make it go away dear Inso.
    May Allah ease your heart and give you new ways of relief.
    Hugs*

    • :)

      el gameely enno “nagging”, bas alhamdulilah men gheir “pain”, which makes me grateful :)

      actually, i might go today for a little tour… ya moody haybooz, ya2ema ha7es b achievement, ya2emma wala 7aga :D

      adeeny sheltelek el bab ahoh

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