So that’s it?!

As exhausted as I am having spent the entire day in Sokhna with the boys, I will sit and write this down.

Last Thursday, mama gave one of her masterpiece fights that kept escalating until I burst in tears at therapy on Saturday. I took my tears and my pain to H and her sis, and for the first time in almost a year I asked to be hugged and I collapsed in tears. I got a 2-hour free hair do that helped my mood a bit just until my boys refused to go home with me and stayed at their dad’s. I went home sobbing and screaming in pain in my car…

I let some of it out the moment my mom mistook my tears for being over the boys, I just let whatever words came to mind come unleashed…

I told her she was never a good mother to me, and that for that she can never judge my motherhood.

I told her she was the reason my sister and I are in therapy.

I told her that she’s the reason I got married at such an early age, to just flee this hell hole.

I told her that I don’t wait until baba goes to alex for the weekend to go out, and that the main reason I do is that the house is intolerable when it’s only her.

And then I looked at my dad and yelled at  him with all the pain I felt “wenta leeh mesh bete7meeny menha?”… I rambled and rambled until I ran out of breath and just when I almost lost all my words, I saw his tears! I don’t know how I did it, but I threw myself in his arms and kept telling him “walahy ba7ebak”…

And then I stayed in my room until the next day.

That was the night I was the heartless bitch who made her father cry! That’s how I felt, and that’s how it was rather confirmed in the following days without much to say…

Next day, I tried to spend time with him in the living room, to try to communicate, but nothing…

I took the rest of the week off and spent Monday morning at the pool with Beem to show him how much fun his mom can be, but it was nothing but agony for me… not to mention frustrating and disappointing. I went for some pampering at the hairdresser’s but it was just more disappointment!

I spent the last two days with a friend of mine who’s visiting from the states and her son, hoping that the company would be a positive change for my boys. Problem is, I am not hundred percent there; my mind knows there is pain, and would rather sit and work on it, but I am focused on all the things I should say, do and feel!

Today, while we were at Sokhna and while I was laying by the pool, my sis calls to tell me that my dad is inviting us all next week for dinner with her fiancé and his family, and our cousin and his wife for my birthday, my fucking birthday!

Ok seriously!!!

I do not want a fucking birthday celebration! Not with people who know about my pain because they caused it, yet refuse to even acknowledge it, let alone understand it or apologize for it!! and with people whom despite my respect for them, mean nothing but an additional burden for me since I will need to restrain my kids and make them behave, and yet again, act like their nanny rather than their mom! On my fuckin birthday!!!

I know I should have spoken it out when he called to confirm later, but I am giving up… instead, I told him, I’d push my exam the next day, which will be my actual birthday, and I will have better plans with any of my friends instead; at least they know how to make me feel special.

So that’s the acknowledgement I get after an entire month of silent treatment and an emotional outburst followed by the good old emotional constipation! That’s what I deserve! That’s my fuckin worth, a fuckin dinner the night before my birthday where I’d be chasing my boys all around in a place I don’t even like its food!!!!! No one even bothered checking where I’d like to eat!

And I am supposed to be grateful!

Beggad, a7a!

And this time, I don’t even see the damn point of voicing it out!

~ by insomniac on May 27, 2010.

7 Responses to “So that’s it?!”

  1. I dunno ya inso…but seems to me your dad wants to make it up for you…….
    do they usually celebrate your birthday? if yes , then maybe he’s trying to tell you nothing changed and he still loves you as always .
    Your dad sounds like a man who doesn’t know how to show his emotions and thinks that simple gestures should do the job and deliver the message.

    • we usually celebrate birthdays by going out for dinner, and i always tell him i prefer it intimate with less people when he brings friends of his, and he also knows i am not a big fan of the food in that place… it was just all convenient for him and everybody, and no one bothered to even ask what i wanted on my birthday, and now i am supposed to be all happy and grateful!!!

      i wanted nothing to do with any of them this birthday unless they know the pressure they cause and decide to give me a break… instead, i will have to babysit my boys and make sure en mayday2oosh 7ad, i will not enjoy my food, and perhaps even i will get my share of mama’s complains about how i am such a food snob and how i have always been hard to please….

      and yes R, he doesn’t know how to show his emotions, but then again, neither do i, he passed those damn genes to me, but i am fighting it, and it hurt to burst the way i did, but the feedback is just wrong!

      and i just hate that i am not the ungrateful bitch! but i am!

  2. Calm down inso..I know you are in hell of a pressure..but you have to calm for the sake of your boys..They feel everything and your bad mood can affect them take care.

    • my kids don’t care as long as they’re having fun… and it’s hard for them to have fun with me when i am trying so hard to control my temper… and well, i can’t, i would have rather been left home alone and they would have taken the boys out for fun… i am lonely either way, whether i am alone or with my family, and they kid themselves thinking en keda they’re doing their role… urgh

  3. I think your dad is trying to get things back to normal. This is how parents do things. They act as if nothing happened and give nice gestures that they think are nice gestures.
    So, you don’t have to be grateful. I think all what he wants is for you to act normal, which I don’t know eh bezzabt but you know what he thinks is your normal. So act normal and he will feel that he didn’t fail you.

    He cried because no father wants to fail his children. It hurts him to watch you suffer. And maybe he can’t understand why you are suffering, he will never do because his side of the story is, I have done everything I can.

    So, just act normal.

    lazem te3mel 3abeet ya Inso.

    • what if i am not “normal”, i don’t want to “act”… i don’t want to pretend things are like they are… and yes, he did fail me, big time, and it hurts him, but naturally, it also hurts me too… and i tried to get vocal about it as much as i could, but he’s clinging to the thought of him “having done all he could”… tab mana kaman i do all i could, as a daughter, as a sister, and as a mother… why am i constantly being weighed and why do they always have criticism! not fair

  4. That’s exactly why I told you e3mely 3abeeta. Because there is no other way around. He is who he is and you are who you are and trust me for him trying to get to normal is an apology and a trial to fix things regardless that he is missing the fact that that normal is messed up and needs to be fixed.
    Consider enek te3mely 3abeeta for your birthday as a long term investment. mesh 3arfa ezzay but akeed fi yom mn el ayam you will be rewarded for it. A leap of faith ya Inso.

    I don’t want to sound harsh, but I am starting to believe that some people were destined to unfairness. Life is just bad regardless how hard they try. I can’t understand the wisdom behind it, why God yekteb el shaqa2 3ala ba3d el bashar, why it should always be painful even el 7agat el so3’ayara elly tebel el ree2 teegy betloo3 el ro7. But this is how life is and for the sake of staying sane I would like to believe en whatever pain we have to go through is just an investment for a later day. When all those who had things easy will suffer and those who got everything the hard way celebrate.

    You will celebrate one day, I can’t promise when, how or where. But just take that leap of faith and e3mely 3abeeta.

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