iNeed… iWant

I don’t ask for things, I just don’t.

I call it pride; I call it self-preservation; why go through the process of sharing apart of myself with someone who might simply deny me what I ask.

My therapist calls it cowardice. She says it’s more honorable to admit a want and/or need and have it denied, rather than suppressing it until I am no longer able to recognize it, let alone admit it! She said I weaken myself that way, and rob myself of my rights, and allow others to do the same to me without even knowing.

She asked me if I communicated my dismay to people who say/do things I don’t like, I asked her “what’s the point; they will perceive it as judgment from my part and will refrain from sharing… I’d rather keep their confidence so that I can be there if they need help”. Again, she said it made me sound more like I was afraid to speak my mind despite how blunt and opinionated I come off to anyone.

It sort of caught me by surprise; I never thought I was the kind of person who’d harbor an opinion, but I think I have become that person without even knowing it. And at some point, I crossed the line between practicing tolerance and not expressing or communicating my discontentment.

Have I become too jaded, too bitter, and too cynical… of people and of life…? I no longer seem to care about changing things to my liking, I don’t even recognize what I like/dislike anymore; nothing matters.

Wow, I have become numb in away! Sadly, I don’t like being numb, it doesn’t bring me the comfort it brings other people, because it’s only an exterior crust that hides care and anger and helplessness, and a lot of other things I can’t seem to recognize anymore.

When Dr. Magdi once told me to find my passion and fulfill it, I couldn’t. Now I know why; I need to know my needs and my wants and fulfill them, or even accept having them unfulfilled. And then, then I can go to the next level; finding my passion.

Suddenly I feel lost in my own self, unable to define my needs or wants… I know I want to be happy, I need it, but I don’t know how to achieve it or what would bring me happiness, nothing does! I know I have it in too many details of my life, but I can’t see it or feel it anymore. And it all goes to the reason of not demanding what I think I deserve, sad.

My task is to figure out my needs and my wants, take one deep breath, and admit them, to myself, and then… then demand them of those around me who can give them… then deal with whatever comes next when it happens.

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~ by insomniac on May 16, 2010.

5 Responses to “iNeed… iWant”

  1. These revelations are good. I am applying them to myself too, I should split the cost of therapy with you :)

  2. iNeed? iWant « My Oblivia…

    I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…

  3. I am the same way. Every time my husband said something awful to me, I just shut my mouth. I told myself it was for the good of our marriage not to fight. The worst part is, once I did start to speak up about it, he would actually defend himself, and I wasn’t prepared for that. It takes practice to stand up for yourself, but in the end, you feel your own value in each breath.

    • yeah, i used to keep my come-backs to myself because i didn’t think it was right to speak when angry… but i did eventually, and it usually made things worse…

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