It couldn’t have been said any better
“The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves. Until one day there are none, no hopes, nothing remains”
– Sayuri, Memoirs of a Geisha (the movie)
Is it a coincidence that I remembered that movie out of the blue last week and started reading the book* at the same time I am feeling that my hopes are slipping away from me?!
She told me I am as far as one can be from losing hope! She might have meant that my fear and my rejection of it are only signs that I am still holding on, and that a part of me still refuses to let go! She gave me words, terms and labels to look up and see if I relate, and I did!
The more I related, the angrier I felt, and the more rebellious I got as I thought of how I’d break free and earn my hopes back… but then, the more I related, the more hurt I felt, and the more enraged I got.
I saw another angle of myself, a victimized angle, and I hated it, and I felt that I must change that, no matter what the cost is, I refuse to be a victim, even if it means I lose everything I said I was not willing to lose!
I got her question now, and I got the look she gave me when I answered after a few –long- minutes of thinking! Thinking back, I gave the wrong answer, and thinking back, I realize I still don’t have an answer. My answer is too vague and general to be defined in strict terms or form clear boundaries, and I am not ready yet to narrow it down for myself.
And then, in the midst of all the realizations and the thinking, old anger was stirred that added to my new findings and theories, and before I know it, I am twice as hurt and twice as angry! And instinctively, the first thought that came to mind that I do need to let go of the one clinging hope that had gotten me jumping through all those hoops for a lifetime!
I need to stop hoping that I would be understood, or that I would be accepted, loved, and appreciated for who I am… by them… and perhaps then, it really wouldn’t matter anymore, and consequently it won’t hurt anymore.
So no hopes for that anymore, nothing remains, that I can expect from them… and perhaps that part of my heart should die already, it’s been slowly dying anyway long before I’ve known it.
*I am still halfway through the book, not anywhere near the part where that quote fits, but the metaphors in that book are just brilliant, they are detailed, yet original and to the point, and you find that mental picture forming in your head with ease! I WILL post some of the quotes when I am done isA.
My Oblivia 
hi, actually its been a while i wanted to check your blog and here i am.
lovely post.
i could relate to most of your words, looks like this is exactely what i am going through now.
I need to stop hoping that I would be understood, or that I would be accepted, loved, and appreciated for who I am… by them… and perhaps then, it really wouldn’t matter anymore, and consequently it won’t hurt anymore.
this is exactly what i am doing right now. stopped hoping to be understood by “them” and decided to check other “worlds”
for the first time of my life i start looking for a life outside my home country, with no intentions to ever come back. visits- of course, but to just see the picture from outside.
no more involvement, no more hopes and dreams and investments. no more emotions, thoughts, efforts.
they wont understand anyway…..
:)
you just confirmed my theory that we all go through the same confusions, only from different perspectives!
thanks for stopping by, don’t be a stranger :)
thx for sharing the quote is very touching
my book budget enfagaret last month, and you keep urging me to go again book shop!
Ever thought, that .. sometimes you should still hope, and others you should just lose it?
I mean, why do we have to make a choice and contend for sticking to it for good? I really think our feelings will stay the same either way, but we should at least give ourselves rest, or change .. every now and then.
i am reading the book on pdf file that i can share, but you’re too picky!! anyways, i haven’t gotten to the part if the book where that quote is due :)
the wise know which hopes to pursue, and which to let go of… i never claimed to be wise :) i am anything but that because despite my insight and understanding, i always choose to fight anyway, i must have been Don Quixote many lifetimes ago!!
i don’t believe feelings stay the same… i think we struggle because our feelings about things change, yet we insist on holding on to choices we had previously made when we felt differently… or at least i do!