Breakdown and let it all out…*

Screw it all. Oh, screw you all…

I don’t know how to be a better person, especially that I am constantly being told that I am more than just a good person! Yeah yeah, none of those who tell me that live with me or endure my habits, and most of them know how sensitive I really am, but to you, you only see my tough borderline heartless side, and you don’t even assume that it’s how I protect myself from all the abuse to which you subconsciously subject me.

Truth is I ache all the time because of you!

You don’t see any of the good I do, and you focus on all the things I don’t do. Ok… I am not perfect, but when did I really say I was! Or answer me this, if I am so horrible, why do you always rely on me when knowing that I would never let you down? All of you! Truth is, I am reliable, I am even more reliable than each and every one of you, even if you don’t want to admit it, but that can’t be your excuse, that you expect more of me because I have more potential.

Ok, I do chores at home…

I contribute the best I can…

I know my kids, which is a lot more than my own parents or my sisters know me…

So none of you get to judge me because none of you has ever bothered walking one mile in my shoes…

Try doing my share of things, and try worrying about everything the way I do…

Try thinking of all the boys’ related things I think of on daily basis…

Then try not to indulge in the stress-eating and the retail-therapy…

After that,  try to suck it all up and hold back in all the rants to your friends because you don’t want them to get sick of you…

And then, come and talk to me about being more responsible, talk to me about my duties and my obligations and how I should practice my religion better…

None of you have that self-draining mind… I used to embrace it proudly, but now, I wish I was another dumbo who is completely useless to others, because perhaps then I wouldn’t feel so unappreciated!

So may be it’s time to live up down to that image you have of me instead of trying to fix it because I just realized that no matter what, kharbana kharbana… so from now on, I am the selfish prick I’ve always been to you!

* The title is inspired by Nina’s Breakdown and Let it All Out

~ by insomniac on March 30, 2010.

5 Responses to “Breakdown and let it all out…*”

  1. Why we always try to live up to an imagine drawn by others? why we always want to feed those others even if the only way to feed them is by feeding them our own flesh? and what’s more important is that why we always expect to see ourselves in the eyes of others?
    the more you give, the more they will feed.
    the more they feed, the more you’ll be consumed.
    the more you’ll be consumed, the more angry you’ll get.
    the more angry you’ll get, the more that anger will eat you from inside out.
    and if one of my friends got sick of me because off showing a bad side of me, then I was wrong in the first place to consider them my friends.

    • well, it’s simple and logical in theory, i completely agree… i’ve always had that perspective in life, but in practice, relationships are far more complicated than a 1+1=2!

      it’s never equal, what you give vs. what you receive… but it should always even out at the end, because when it doesn’t, you’re left with nothing but complete dismay… and with relationships, sometimes you don’t even see or appreciate what you’re given although it’s considerably big and significant for the other, but it simply was not what you need/want!

      we humans are so complicated, and we take the baggage from one relationship to a completely different one… so i may worry about my friends’ acceptance because i don’t wanna lose it like i lost a parent’s for example…. and being conscious of it doesn’t help :)

  2. Here’s a quote I like, “Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality”. You see the moment it does, that’s the moment they have control over you. In my opinion neither live down to the image nor try to fix it. Just be yourself and save yourself the hassle of giving someone else the power to control your emotions.

    • i just wish it was that easy, to get over the anger and the frustration and not let people have that kind of power over my emotions!

  3. It’s not that easy, it might be even impossible because you were exposed to that for a long time, which must have affected you deeply in a way that will be impossible to reverse.
    But you can either set down, give up and let yourself be used like that because it’s impossible to change it,. or you can take a decision of standing and fighting.
    I for myself took the second choice sometime ago, not because i am tough, not because i knew i could change, but because i imagined myself 40 years from now, when i am 70 years old and in my final moments, I imagined myself thinking about my whole life,how i went through it, how i lived my whole life for others, and those others are not here anymore, and even if they were, they won’t give me my life back, they won’t give me my youth back, and now i am to face death with the feeling of regret, the feeling that i never actually lived, how am i to die if i didn’t live? it’s not fair, and i will probably die screaming and kicking, i will die scared and frightened.
    if that is ok with you, then go ahead in doing what you do now

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