But there was always pain!

B told me today to step back from here and now and remember all the bad times that passed even though I never thought they would… but I knew they would pass, I always knew.

The real problem is that when I look back at any of my epic moments of sadness, I remember the pain; not just that, the pain I remember, as bad as I remember feeling it, feels insignificant to what I feel now!

It is not a good thing…

It’s like the ultimate mockery; there will always be bigger pain, worse pain, and I will always look back and remind myself of the things I’ve been through in a silly attempt to feel better, but I won’t, because there was always pain, it just keeps getting bigger!

I burst into tears all of a sudden, as I was trying to talk myself to sleep. Actually, I succeeded in talking myself into sleeping until my mom startled me all yelling that the boys were making a mess and she was too tired to clean after them! I was in no shape to handle anyone; I just grabbed both of them into my room against their will, cleaned the mess, and got in the room and told them with my scratchy voice that I will hit them because I have no energy to talk. And I switched off the lights and they fell asleep, but I didn’t. I tried the same technique that got me asleep the first time, but it didn’t work; instead, I just burst in tears.

I sat down and switched my laptop on and decided to write it all away… that was when it hit me, I’ve been writing it away since even before I owned a computer! Yes, my old issues are nothing compared to those of now, but there was always pain!

My mom goes into surgery in two days, and I feel nothing.

There, I said it.

I might be angry at myself for how I feel, I might be feeling guilt, and denial is just trying to protect me…

My real mother figure died eight years ago tomorrow, and I was in too much denial to react the way a person would when they lose the one person who loved them unconditionally. I kept telling myself she was in a better place, and that this life was not good enough for her, I told myself that with her deteriorating health condition, death kept her pride intact, a stroke and paralysis was not what my late Neina deserved. Truth is mama with her conditional love could never live up to Neina’s.

I owe my life to my mother, but given the mess it is, I am willing to give it back. I owe her my good English too because she constantly taught me new words before I was even three, but no words could ever explain the constant dismay I’ve felt all my life! As for my independence, I learned it along the way because I was constantly let down or yelled at whenever I asked her or dad for help they were too tired to offer.

I hear people dispensing parenting advice and blabbering that kids need self-esteem to grow into emotionally independent confident adults, and to do that, a parent should always praise them. I don’t owe my self esteem or my so called confidence to my mom; I owe it to my Neina, just like I owe my features, my cheek-bones, my natural blush, my temper, my passion, my tough crust, and my strength to her. It’s like she and mama had different blood, and I had my Neina’s, not my mom’s.

Actually, the therapist I went to attributed my choice of a husband to my mommy issues.

Ironically, my mom had mommy issues too; I distinctively remember her and Neina fighting like two cats in an alley just as we occasionally did until recently, until I strictly resorted to the silent treatment. The roles however were never switched; she still says her lines, while I say Neina’s!

I am afraid of my payback, if there is any, like people keep saying. Sometimes I’m afraid of loving my own kids for I am not sure if mom lost me that way because she loved me or because she didn’t love me right. I want to love them but I also want to expect no love from them because may be she loved me the wrong way and her expectations alienated me, especially when there was someone else who expected me to be nothing but myself. But expectations come with parenthood, not to mention my own high expectations of everyone and everything…

I was not cut for parenthood. People who see me with kids say I am a natural, but I am not a natural with my own kids because it’s scary, not to mention the whole drama with their father; it’s a complete mess!

I know we need family therapy, but no therapy changes things, it only changes our perceptions of them… things change, all the time, but they don’t exactly change for our favor, and if they do, we don’t always see it – ironic. Gjoe and B tell me to leave it in God’s hands and just let Him be in charge and stop worrying, and I know it worked before, but something is missing this time, something I somehow lost along the way and I feel too tired to find it!

I think back and I realize that what got me through the worst was faith, but I am losing it now! It’s both pathetic and ironic that looking back I find my faith right there, yet I lose it instantly! Now is too terrible because of all the things that’s happened; they were resolved in a sense, but they left serious damage, and that damage is surrounding me and suffocating me.

There was a time I was not sick, but I sought therapy… but now, I resent the idea and I resent the thought of getting better… getting better for what? To get slapped again?? Let’s face it, I am not qualified for this life, I lived in my bubble too long that the moment I step out, I am completely out of my element and I lose my ability to do all the things I expect of myself! My strength was tested perhaps, but ironically, the stronger I come off, the weaker and more vulnerable I feel inside…

I am constantly feeling that I am losing something… sometimes it’s my optimism, sometimes it’s my smile or my ability to laugh from the heart even when I am down, sometimes it’s my will to hold on until things get better, sometimes it’s my faith… today however, I feel like I’m losing my sanity along with all those.

~ by insomniac on March 14, 2010.

9 Responses to “But there was always pain!”

  1. I am sorry you’re feeling all this, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now – even since Blogger days; and I always believed you’re a very strong woman. You see life is full of miseries & disappointments, but we shouldn’t let them pull us down… I don’t know exactly what to say to make you feel better, but why don’t you continue therapy? Seek help from friends? ..

  2. and Meredith was about to die…in her head, she saw her mom who caused her most of her disturbances…ghosts brought her back to her senses and instead of letting go and giving her life up to despair…she knew she had to come back…and she did…after a while, and while she was in Mcdreamy’s arms – the man who loved her the most…he was startled and said: YOU DID NOT SWIM, YOU WERE UNDERWATER DYING AND YOU DIDN’T SWIM! she was late…and brushed against death yet she gave a new perspective of life a chance…she let go of life as she knew it…life as she chose to know…she tried out a new life…and now when i watch…i see peace inside her…she stopped being illusionally strong and seeked help from life…and life helped her back…i almost don’t recognize her…she is still christina’s best friend (who had almost the same nature) but she is not the bitter wounded person with the very strong shield who kept hurting every time she turned.

    Well, that is Drama…but i relate.

    And you are for real…and i relate.

    PROPER therapy may change perspectives not circumstances…but hey, it is all about perspectives anyway.

    How you live it is how you get it.

    and I love you.

    • enty sada2ty FB lama 2al eny Meredith! (which reminds me, heya Izzie bikh keda???)

      anyways… i wish i had something to say ya Roosh, bas i don’t! (takhayally!!!!)

      and i am really tired of the whining, i bet i’ve been such a headache lately, how do you guys put up with me? eza kont ana mesh tay2any!!

  3. enty agda3 men meet Meredith, i just remembered her so…

    for someone who stood me in my worst situations ever (and mine are ugly i know ) you should know that our friendship/ relationship is FULL of unconditional love…and ana dayman tay2aki ya bawa5a :D


  4. I know this is completely irrelevant to the post content bass I want to I love you ya Merry :)

  5. You should know that therapy doesn’t change things but it gives you the power to change them. Not just your perspective…drugs do that. I saw a shrink just twice and I feel so much better.
    Kep your chin up.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: