My Real Phobia…

Whenever asked what my biggest fear was, I always answered “losing someone I love to death… or to life”. I think it’s because I never exactly gotten over my nana’s death, and because I know that with the way I express my emotions, I am never truly capable of telling those I love how much they mean to me while I still can.

I was grateful the ex lost my love before I decided to end the marriage. In a sense, I will forever appreciate that I never had to get over him, and that all I had to get over was what he’s done to me. It was hard, and thinking of all the things that turned my life around because he was in it, I might cry, but at the end of the day, I know that I did not lose a loved one, and it makes me feel much better.

But there in another great fear I have that never floated from my subconscious to my conscious before, a fear that must be too great for me to realize it existed in the first place that I allowed my subconscious to hide it that well.

Losing control.

I am about to get a panic attack realizing that my true greatest fear has actually been taking place and that my life has been out of control since God knows when!

This is why waiting aggravates me; in addition to being such a restless creature, I find in waiting for something to happen a big chance of losing my control over things. To wait for something to happen in order to act, react, or just to wait for it to happen because you want it, is letting someone else or something else take control of your nerves until you get what you want. It damages my nerves to wait until I can gain control, or even the illusion of control.

I’ve been told that I am a control freak, a perfectionist and a spoilt brat; I want what I want the way I want it, and I want it now. I’ve also been told I am arrogant enough to think I deserve it and too proud to accept a compromise.

I’ve been told those things by different people on different occasions they never exactly made sense because part of the equation was always missing, and because I believed that if I have it me to admit it when I am wrong, then I was definitely right when I thought I was. Don’t argue with my twisted logic, it just made sense in here.

In a very painful moment of clarity, it hit me!

All my damn life, I have been living in denial of my greatest fear .

All my big life-altering decisions, and all my silly little mistakes as well as the dumb big ones were one reaction after the other of not being able to take control of my life.

I feel like I’ve been a lab rat all my life and that I could never see the big picture of the maze or even make sense of my tiny little turns because I was blinded by my false belief that I am my own decision maker, that what happens to me is only a result of my own doing. Whenever I fell, I never blamed anyone but myself, because God forbid anyone would have that much control over me. I blame my restlessness and my severe mood swings for my depressions because nothing in this world is great enough to control me other than myself. This is why I always skipped the role of the victim for which other people might have settled, because victims have no control, but I do, or so I desperately wanted to believe.

Well, I have none…

I never controlled anything in my life but the color of a blouse I was to buy, sometimes even that was controlled by my size vs. the colors available!!

My attention and care for details is basically because I falsely think that by choosing to change some of those details to my favor, I would be controlling bigger things… and perhaps it sort of does, but if that’s the case, how did it just hit me right now that my life has spun out of control long before I had a say in it!

I hate the facts, and what I hate more is only getting to know them after I have wasted 28 years with the set of wrong notions! I want to start anew, but I need to know the truth in advance; but neither can anyone start anew, nor are we ever told the truth at all; we figure it out on our own when we least need the pain it brings.

Now, all I see of my life is a dead end and I am wishing I were a fictional character in a book where the author has such a cynical take on life and denies his/her character a happily ever after… like I am the author of the book about my character and my cynicism is what’s denying me whatever it is I lack, be it happiness, fulfillment, or peace.

I am seeking help, it’s time to declare myself terminally depressed and find therapy.

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~ by insomniac on March 8, 2010.

4 Responses to “My Real Phobia…”

  1. Inso ,I don’t know if you’re going to believe it but I had the same realization just recently…the thing that makes me go crazy or have a rage is losing control over my life …that’s why I like FB for example cause if you want to delete someone out of your life all you have to do is just block them and they no longer exist in your virtual life….that’s so pathetic isn’t it! ugh! and the sad truth we can’t have 100% control over our lives.

    I hope the therapy idea works out , good luck my friend.

    • i wish it was about blocking people, that i can do!

      it’s when you realize that you still need some people despite the pressure they put on you and the fear that if you let go of all the things that hold you down, you might be letting go of the same things that hold you together!

      it’s about feeling that all your fake attempts of gaining control were only making you less in control of everything and causing you more nerve damage!

      my problem with therapy is that i refuse what is, i don’t want to accept it anymore because i don’t believe anything is right or fair anymore, the chaos is all around me and within me, and accepting it shouldn’t be the solution, but i have no power to change anything!

  2. Have you ever tried finding happiness in situations where you were not in control? For example, this year I was denied in a graduate program. I protested and protested to no avail. Then I realized that it could be a change for me to do something better. I realized I wasn’t in control but that was OK, because I could influence the way it affected my life if I made the right decision after being denied. I don’t know…I don’t have any answers, but I have the same fear you do. It’s this fear that so many women have actually. Don’t feel alone.

    • Jennifer, i’ve been doing that too much my head hurts now and i can no longer keep it up! i keep saying it was for the best, everything that doesn’t go according to plan… not that i plan much anyway… i get a silver lining out every frustration… but still, it sucks to constantly have things happening with no regard to what YOU want! it’s a such a terrible feeling when you’re a control freak i suppose!!

      and i know i should accept not being in control most of the time, but the idea that i am constantly forced to compromise drives me crazy! i think i am a spoilt brat…

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