Aaaand I’m back… sort of!

Yesterday I was pissed; actually, pissed doesn’t quite cut it. I was confused and it made me feel angry and frustrated beyond my ability to let it out, until the amazing Juka decided to encourage me rant about it. I think the moment she assured me that it was ok to bother her with my madness, I started striking the keyboard and I could almost see the anger getting out of my system and I could sense my aura flaming with those vibes you send off when you’re discharging that kind of negative feelings.

 I was sort of drained afterwards; you see, when you let that much anger out, it leaves room for something really harder to handle, sadness. I usually get angry and hold on to it so hard because I am too scared of how sad I will feel when the anger subsides; when in retrospect, sadness is not exactly bad, after all it ends and something new comes after which.

 I tried to ignore the sadness I could sense under my thick layers of denial; thing with sadness is that it gets to you even when you don’t even want to realize or acknowledge it, and if you’re anything like me and you’re always aware of every little trick your mind plays, it’s just plain torture.

 I kept chatting with my friend about all sorts of things in an attempt to overlook the feeling. I was happily distracted. After all, it was nothing new really and I was sick of myself whining and complaining, as tempting as it always is.

 So at the end of the chat, I say bye and right at that moment the urge to cry caught up with me, and before I knew it, a tear was rolling on my cheek. I quickly turned off my laptop and switched off the lights and curled in bed feeling the sadness creeping all over me and making it feel harder to breathe; that’s exactly what I was so afraid of. I let go of the tears, or actually, they decide to escape out of my eyes, it was not intense; it was rather mellow like sadness usually is. I think I fell asleep before I was done.

 I had all sorts of weird irrelevant dreams of people I haven’t seen in ages. I couldn’t wake up on time and I woke up pretty late, but there was some sort of vague relief that I am still unable to explain.

I think I saw my own reflection in the mirror as I was splashing cold water on my face and it hit me – screw it all, I’m good, my health is ok alhamdulilah, I have too many good things going for me… I can get past almost anything, and nothing/no one should get me down; it’s not worth it. It’s that damn glimpse of hope mixed with optimism that usually means a few good days to come and also promises a big down in the horizon…

 I am still moody and borderline negative about most things, especially that I can feel my strength building up to prepare me for something huge to come, rabena yostor… up the roller coaster I go, I just hope the down doesn’t hurt as much now that I expect it.

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~ by insomniac on February 23, 2010.

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