But I just wanted to… fall!



Did you ever try to push yourself down under the water? Like on a pool day, you try to dive all the way down to the bottom and just stay there…

The water and its pressure or whatever just pushes you upwards against your own will!!

I tried it, metaphorically, and literally, and then metaphorically again! And I keep being pushed up!

I gave in to depression; I decided I will not hope for things anymore, I just gave up on anything getting any better because I realized that it only gets worse right after it gets too much better. I just let go and decided to throw myself to a fall… and I fell.

Not for long though!

But I am having a good luck streak or something!! And it’s not allowing me to appreciate the depression!

I almost lost my dad’s USB modem right in the midst of all the wreckage of the booth the day I was preparing for the opening… it fell right off my laptop sleeve and I didn’t even notice until a guy gave it to me!!!

I went to the movies with Roosh expecting another dumb movie that would get me down like the one before, but the movie was actually different and impressive compared to the rest of the expected crap!

I lost this plastic thing from my laptop that fell off, and I decided it was ok; Dellayla is becoming uglier anyway, and then I found it as I was tidying up my bed!

I had a deal with Roosh to go spend a day on the pool for me to get distracted by the little joys in life, and the moment she sent me text to appologize while I was halfway there, I decided “yep, that’s it, I am getting depressed now… I will probably go to the pool to find the weather too chilled and just go back home” Surprisingly, I did have fun, on my own!!! I floated a little, I swam a little, I listened to music a little, I read a little, and I even tanned a little bit!!

Yesterday, I thought I lost one of the charms on my pearly necklace, the two keys, I thought “oh crap, I bought it because of the keys and the fleur de lis”, but I decided not to dwell… I was emptying my bag earlier this morning and found it right there at the bottom!

And all the laughing and smiling in the midst of the annoying coughing while talking to my friend yesterday, it was actually simple and warm…

And the book that I actually enjoyed reading, as cliché and rather not-deep as it is, against all odds!

And all I wanted to was to just get depressed, let it take all over me and lead me to wherever, it just didn’t matter…

Why does life insist on picking pushing me up?? I was up and it pulled me down, all of a sudden and for no good reason, remember? What is it about doing the exact opposite of what I want… “da zoll da wala fawda?” *… or is life/fate being twice as stubborn as I can possibly be; insisting that I cannot even choose to fall!

Or is it the hope Pandora overlooked at the bottom of her box after all the misery and pain had gotten out…  

Perhaps it’s expecting nothing that elevates the chances of things just being better… Problem is, it can’t work for me that way; I either want what I want, or nothing at all, and i can’t help but have big expectations of everything and everyone, including myself.

* A line from Rasa’il El Ba7r, a movie different from most of the current crap, for a change!

~ by insomniac on February 18, 2010.

4 Responses to “But I just wanted to… fall!”

  1. I thought that way about the movie as well :)
    (makanetsh talba tarya2et a7mad)
    I enjoyed the sea hitting the rocks scenes…to me…it was like visiting a new country…that gray sky…the music behind the windows…the nudeless seductions and him…different indeed.

    Strange…that is exactly how i feel about you…I never believed you were the type who’d hit the bottom and stay there…and it’s not – in my humble opinion- that things help push you up…you have it in you…you, maybe without realizing it, choose to get pushed up by the little charms you have in you or the ones you extract sometimes out of life.

    I’m happy you enjoyed the pool day on your own :) and i no longer curse zefta for ruining my day hehe your joy is mine and more sweet lady.

    May Allah bless you :)

    • hahaha, actually ahmed’s comments were hillarious, i enjoyed them as much as i enjoyed the movie… ya sheikha da kont haftas men kotr el de7k… wel nas elly gambena kano haye7defoona bel gezam, lol!

      it’s funny how when you just stop fighting and struggling and let go, you float, when you throw your weight to the water it pushes/carries you up… you just need to make sure you’re not face down i suppose!

      i did have fun that day, but i would have LOVED to have you… i kept having brilliant thoughts/ideas/hallucinations that hat to be shared in the moment… we neeeeeed to go as soon as you can :)

      May Allah bless us all :)

  2. eih da keda ya roosh tab ana mosh 7agy ma3ako tany :( wala a2oloko ana 7agy bas a3od be3eed ad7ak m3 nas tanyeen coz u know i cant help it lama bafta7 mosh ba3raf askot khalas etafa2na ? i guess ah 3lshan ely may2olsh ah 7ay2ool aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ;)

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