Burning out.

How can one be nostalgic to something they never exactly had?

I miss the peace, I miss the calmness and I sure as hell miss the sense of security. I can’t say I never had any of them, but all my faint memories of them, I knew they wouldn’t last; I knew they would be brief and that they should sustain me for an unlimited amount of time.

I can’t do that anymore, at least I don’t see a reason why I should…

I hate writing those words, but they are how I feel, and it sucks to feel that way, and it won’t suck any less if I keep it to myself to maintain whatever image this blog readers have of me…

Yes, there was a time I would have said “I am strong, I am a fighter, I will get through this”, but I don’t wanna do this now, and I am not even sure if I will want to do it ever again. I honestly have no idea why I would want to get through this… for what? For another episode of temporary happiness and gratitude?? And then what? Another intense episode of gloom.

I am just tired and I don’t see the point of it anymore.

I push through the days, one after the other… I have nothing to expect of life; actually, I don’t even have anything to want out of it anymore; I have sadly reached the point in my life where I am fully aware that nothing will be given to me for free, and I have nothing to give back. There was a point I would have said I would make it work, whatever it is, to get what I want, but now I don’t see anything in life worth wanting enough to figure out how to pay for it…

I don’t want anyone reminding me of my kids, it hurts. It just hurts when people tell you “but you have them, live for them”… Really? Don’t you think I already know I have them? Don’t you that it hurts like hell to know that and to still feel so resentful of life? Don’t you think that the traces of good mother in me wishes so badly they had a better mom who would be more high on life?

Well obviously no one gets it; no one understands how it feels to look into their beautiful eyes and wish I never had them because perhaps then, it might have been easier to curl in bed and shun the whole world away without anyone expecting me to rise again like I always do.

Did I ever mention that my expectations of myself are much bigger and grander than those I have of others? This is why it hurts so badly that I am crumbling without any good reason, none that I know of. I am burning out and I simply have no idea how to stop it!

Everyday when I am driving through traffic, I just think that I don’t want it to loosen up like I once did because I don’t care about reaching my destination; the question lingers “what is it that I wanna do when I arrive anyway?” I don’t have the energy to work, I don’t have the energy to be with my kids, I don’t have the energy to even talk to my good friends whom I love dearly!

I am lost in my own head and I have no idea how to get out from that loop of lack of interest and hopelessness. Me! Lost! Yep!

Therapy?

No. I don’t want therapy. No happy pill and no psychoanalysis will solve my problems, they will only attempt to equip me to deal with problems, but I don’t want that anymore; it means nothing to me. I want solutions, I want results, I want things to be better and I no longer wanna work hard to earn it, I am sorry, but if not working hard means nothing will get better, fine, I just need to be left alone for that.

I know I leave my friends helplessly unable to get me out of this mood. Worse, I know I am the only one who can get me out of this mood, but I don’t want out because the light at the end of the tunnel is always another train hitting me so damn hard, and then I fall again, and then I seek their help… I don’t know; if they’re not tired of this, I certainly am!

I’d like to say it’ll pass and I will be ok, I just don’t know what will happen next if I am ok through this; I really don’t want more to come… I guess I am too scared to heal because healing means I will be stronger to handle more shit, and I just don’t want more shit.

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~ by insomniac on February 15, 2010.

 
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