I am just not that person anymore!

I gazed at all the windows and balconies we passed by, and I could almost feel the existence of the lives behind them. I fantasized about the life I would have once I have a place behind my own window. Millions of scenarios and millions of random thoughts kept jumping to my mind until my mind grew tired. I noticed my boys have fallen asleep so I told him he could drive us home.

I sat back in the car seat and looked at the sky right above me… the velvet night sky, with barely any stars or even clouds, and the beautiful crescent, another favorite night setting…

He was driving, playing his horrible music and singing along, he noticed that I was looking at the sky and enjoying the scene; he could almost tell I was blocking out all my surroundings, especially him. He turned down the music and told me “this could be us going home every night, if you just say yes”! I pretended I didn’t hear him and tried to catch up with the thoughts I was having, but it was too late!

That was when his little comment cornered me, along with how two of my friends urged me earlier this weekend to reconsider, not to mention baba’s similar words on Wednesday!

That thought kept haunting me, and before I knew it, I found myself thinking it through too loudly in my own head…

For the first time in my life, I wished I had it in me to choose what’s easier instead of what I really think is right! I wished I wanted the mediocre things any given woman in this society would settle for, rather than what I think I deserve, and what I decide to choose despite how it feels harder!

Any other woman would think, “he’s the father of her children and he’s asking point blank what it would take for him to have me back”, any other woman would think “hallelujah”, but not me! It’s as simple as that: I’ve said it a million times before, I never know what I want, but I know for sure what I don’t want, and I don’t want him.

And it’s not because of the history or all the pain he caused, and I don’t know if I am over it or not, I won’t even go there now! Even if we had parted civilly, I know in my heart that I deserve better, period.

Everything about him turns me off; his music, his thoughts and ideas, his interests, and his beliefs. I am constantly appalled by everything he does, and I promise it has nothing to do with that history. It’s just that I have finally come to believe that I deserve more! Since after the separation, I have noticed that all the things that make me “special” were meaningless to him! With him, I withered and wilted because he never really appreciated those things, and with time, I no longer appreciated myself or considered myself special in anyway because I only got to see myself though his eyes!

But since the separation, to the divorce, and until now, I am constantly being told that I am a lot of things I never knew about myself when I was with him; things that make me think better of myself and make me realize that I do deserve better even if I never really believe it myself!

And it hit me, I lost what made me that “special” or “different” or whatever when I settled, when I compromised, and I just promised myself I would never do this again to me.

I know there is a hopeless romantic who yearns for all the impossible things that the cynical me believes they do not exist, but I said it before, I am an all-or-nothing kind of person, it’s just who I am…

So I will just admit it and put it here for all the world to read, even if they make fun of me for it…

Deep down, as jaded and disillusioned as I am about love, and as little faith as I have in marriage, I somehow still have it in me to have hopes of something that would work for me…

But it will never be him

It will be someone who would understand everything that makes me who I am and appreciates me the way that I am, with all my quirks and my madness…

Someone who would not tire of my mood-swings yet would rather appreciate how I never dwell long enough on either sadness or depression…

Someone who is more like me… someone who shares my thoughts, my beliefs, my music and how I like to spend my time doing millions of things at the same time, someone who’d make me more energetic instead of draining the energy out of me…

Someone who would go with me to the opera because he likes how the music and heavenly voices take my breath away, and make my eyes tear and makes my hand grows colder in his…

Someone who would let me be messy and wouldn’t judge me… someone who’d be more of a roommate and a partner, rather than a husband who’d boss me around and expect me to clean up after him…

Someone who would not call me crazy for wanting separate rooms, and who would be ok with me not wanting to have kids again…

Someone who would let me have as much space as I need, knowing for sure that it would never affect the trust we shall have between us… someone who’d appreciate the space I will give him and never abuse it…

Someone I’d grow old with, but with whom I shall never feel old…

I tell myself on daily basis that this someone does not exist… or that may be he exists, but he’s just not for m. Nonetheless, I know that somehow, one of the things that push me through harder days is the hidden hope that he might, just might be somewhere out there. As impossible as that hope is, I can’t deny myself it; I can’t just kill it by considering the idea of my x al over again!

He’s simply not that someone, he never was, I just didn’t know that before, and I was a dumb girl who believed stupid love words and phrases and was blinded by them. Even if he accepts my lifestyle the way it is, and even if he agrees to all the conditions I can possibly think of, he’s just not the one who would make me look forward to the next day. If anything, he would make me wish every day is my last so that I would not have to put up with his dull sense of humor.

A part of me wishes I were the kind of woman who would not have such hopes and who’d settle for this excuse of a life, but the rest of me is too much of a rebel to settle for anything less than what I think I deserve! And for that, I don’t care if I apologize for who I am, but I certainly won’t change it!

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~ by insomniac on January 23, 2010.

25 Responses to “I am just not that person anymore!”

  1. I think you know by now my personal opinion in this.

    You have your ideas right, your priorities set, and you might not have realized it yet.. but you articulated what you want beautifully in this post..

    It is your own life now.. it doesn’t matter what he wants, it doesn’t matter what your friends want, it doesn’t matter what I think I want, because it all revolved around you..

    It is your call, and again I am telling you, i so much believe in this Ayah : وإن يتفرقا يغن الله كلا من سعته وكان الله واسعا حكيما

    You made your choice, 7’alas..it will take time for people to realize and accept it, and they might pressure you to change your choice, but we all know that ‘pressured’ is not the way you want to live..

    • thanks ya ojie, for the comment, and for listening the first time around ;)

      it is my life, but people keep confusing me with all the guilt they impose “for my kids’ sake”!

      i just needed someone to validate it i guess!

      :)

  2. *sigh* I’ve been thinking about how we all girls been dreaming of fairytales and prince charming and how we think we’re gonna be having a happy ending by meeting sweethearts, then baam! it’s all tricky and all nothing but illusion. And how we do except a lot, and about time when when we have it all we never get satisfied, cause it’s nothing compared to our 20somthing years old dreams.

    I’ll tell you something ins, even though I don’t know you enough, but I believe you’re someone special, it’s obvious, and you deserve someone who can appreciate how special you are, am totally in for not wasting your traits (and it’s one of my first priorities in my checklist :D).

    You’re surefire right for not choosing what’s easier over what’s right, NEVER have second thoughts NEVER!! You’re in the other side, the safest side, the side where you can know what’s kind of person you really are, what you want and what you don’t, where you can see what’s right from wrong and what’s best for you!

    One last thing, it’s must been hard being all-or-nothing kinda person, cause you’ll gasp searching for “all”, nobody can get all, sadly. It’s tough, and if I were you I would soften a little, and get more fixable (but make sure you’d set priorities), specially with these kind of requests. he’s a hell of a McDreamy :D. And please ins tell me if you find this guy(and he better has a brother cause if not, I think we’re gonna share him :P).

    I wish you all the best in your life (specially the McDreamy with a brother :P)

    *phew* you know I love long posts ;)

    • saba7 el kheir!!!

      the one night i actually go to bed early, i find that much comments!!

      ok deppy,

      about the fairytales… i know they will always be FAIRYTALES and their chances of becoming reality are null, and i remind myself of that everyday, but somehow they remain and they find ways to survive very deep down; nonetheless, i know they do not exist :))

      and prince charming… who said he existed??!! anyone who’s like me, could never be “prince charming”, or even close… i am just saying it’s a different combination of things that would hopefully be compatible… and even that, i know dos not exist… i know it for a fact like all the other facts i know, and this is why i dis marriage whenever any of my friends bring it up as something that could happen in my future… i just know that stupid naive girl lives somewhere inside and i let her have her dreams because she helps me remain positive when i most need it… thing is, i would be killing the two of us (it’s a gemini thing, sorry for the confusion) if i settle because we’ve been through what life was like when i did…

      so i am making an impossible wish to make sure i never find myself in a similar situation… can you blame me :))

      thanks for all the nice things you said :)

      and don’t worry, we won’t be fighting over any mcdreamy’s… for 1) they do not exist, and 2) i am sure there are personal traits that make our prefrences quite different :) but again, they do not exist… oh, and i am not big on the whole mcdreamy word/concept!

  3. why do they don’t get it by now??? how come they keep asking you to reconsider ? i don’t get it!!!

    And sure as hell you deserve better! even if you end up not marrying at all , don’t marry someone just because “dhell ragel”

    Just keep hoping and praying :)

    • :)

      they get it, they are just neck deep in denial to accept it; they keep wishing and hoping he’s a changed person bla bla bla, but they do not grasp that even if he’s transformed to an angel, he’s not anywhere near being the person i’d want to be with!

      thanks hun :)

  4. I love the line, someone i’d grow old with but with whom i’d never feel old. That’s beautiful, and your whole post is lovely. I know how it feels to have the energy drained from you.. sucked out of you and i never understood how or why someone would do that.. but i’m totally with you taking the hard road. as deppy says, you’re standing from a position where you can see clearer and be who you truly are. it’s not an easy side.. not at all.. quite the contrary.. but it’s the sanest road.. the one where you’ll feel whole and feel you’re able to be the person and mother you are and want to be. That in itself is the sacrifice you’re making, not going back to the father of your children for their sake as some people might think; that would be a sacrifice that will bring both you and them down.
    And you don’t need to apologize to anyone.

  5. I hate to crash this party, but reality is, you’ll have to settle. Like deppy said, prince charming, and the fairy tales don’t exist. Also, “the grass is always greener on the other side” as they say. Ya3ni from where you are now, it may seem that this perfect person exists, and he has no flaws, at least not your ex’s flaws. But reality is, no one is flawless.

    So basically “better” is always relative. The next person will be better than your ex. But don’t put an idealistic picture in your head of the perfect husband, because again he doesn’t exist. So you’ll either have to settle, or not marry at all, its your choice.

    No one marries for common interests, music, etc. We’re all force-fed the checklist of “3eela, akhla2, mosta2bal, etc.” for guys, and “gamal, metrabeya, 3eela” for girls. It’s all bullshit.

    Life aslan conditions us to expect the least and to settle, mn soghrena. Also, assuming you do find mr. perfect, routine kills everything, and marriage is the ultimate form of routine. So the biggest irony of all is, if two people find that they’re perfect for each other, by getting married they will eventually end up hating each other.

    C’est la vie (elmo2refa)

    • Sorry if the previous comment came across as harsh. It wasn’t directed at you personally, just at the idea of the “perfect marriage” in general. Maybe you will find him and maybe you will be the exception to the rule.

      Rabena yewafa2ik.

    • hahahaha, i can’t believe you jumped from extremely cynical, to a cynical-in-denial mode so that you won’t offend me :))

      don’t worry, i know you didn’t mean to “attack” me… and i know that the idea of “mr. perfect” or the “perfect marriage” makes most of us angry; it makes me angry most of the time… but don’t indulge my stupid fantasies ya3ne, balash “maybe you will find him and maybe you will be the exception of the rule”, i am not that naiive :)

      thanks!

    • ok, there was no part to crash :)

      Mindify, mark my words I WILL NOT SETTLE, not anymore… you see, i am aware that “love” or the facade of it makes us settle without knowing; that’s why i have friends whom i trust would tell me that to my face if i am ever about to settle… and when my friends suggest that i consider settling, that little voice in me will get too loud like it did in this post for me to read it…

      the grass is always greener on the other side as they say. Ya3ni from where you are now, it may seem that this perfect person exists, and he has no flaws, at least not your ex’s flaws. But reality is, no one is flawless“… it’s strange how my friend used those very same words when she was urging me to reconsider! she also added “but you know him, you know his flaws and by now and you’d know how to handle them… especially that he’s sorry and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to have you back“…

      i know “better” is relative, of course it is… but “better” will never be measured against my x…i think i should measure it against myself and what i’d be able to give in return… i am not exactly sure yet, i am not there!

      who mentioned perfection? you and deppy make it sound like i am after nothing but perfection! truth is, if that person is anything like me, there will be fights that would end with days of silent treatment since i know i am passive aggressive when i am upset, and i know that the moment i start piling stuff, i start making my own mistakes that i am no longer aware of… i know we will fight, like my sisters and i fight, like roommates would fight, people fight… but i focused on the good moments because those are the ones that make the whole thing worth it… and i would like to think that i have been humbled enough in my first marriage to know when to back off and when to speak up before it’s too late… actually i have no idea how it would work, but there has to be something good to hold on to because nothing makes a marriage easy, it will always be hard even if it were “perfect”, as relative as perfect is….

      No one marries for common interests“… isn’t this what’s wrong with most of the marriages we hear of… we took it for granted because everybody does it that way, but it’s not right, and its happening every day does not make it right… people either use the criteria you mentioned or the sorry excuse of “falling in love”, i did that and i overlooked that i should have chosen someone who’d be a “friend” when he’s no longer “the one i love”… i think we all overlook that!

      i agree, we’re raised in a way that makes us expect a lot of unrealistic things, and then, we’re told to forget all about them and settle for whatever is available or whatever is convenient, and we do, and then, we realize we shouldn’t have, and we resent everything and stop expecting anything to work… you’re right about routine, but perhaps this is where the importance of “common interests” come, no one ever tried that before… and those who get in a marriage saying they would avoid the routine most likely forget because they get too caught up in the daily troubles, why do we keep forgetting!! i’m babbling…

      :) yeah like can be “mo2refa”, i completely agree!

  6. Somewhere somehow everyone’s other half exists .. It’s a matter of time..Just don’t crash into depression or loss of hope..You are gifted of two beautiful boys (Ma Shaa Allah) and this is a gift from heaven that lots of people miss.. Try to be ace in your job and do all the things that makes you feel special,, Coz you realy are..And I know you are also gifted by very supportive friends that realy care.. Never forget that..

    • thanks ya Abdelsalam :)

      it’s true, i am blessed with too many things, alhamdulilah… for for losing hope and getting depressed, well, it happens from time to time, but alhamdulilah, i always bounce back :)))

      have a good one :)

  7. Knowing what a person want is overrated, I think it is more important to know what you don’t want. This is the only way you can make sure you won’t end up being someone you don’t want to be.

    And it is not that you are being a rebel, it is simply you are still holding to common sense, which apparently isn’t that common. If you wanted him back, if you still had it for him he wouldn’t have to ask this question. Your friends wouldn’t have suggested it.

    It is just like eating in a restaurant and finding that there is nothing on the menu you like. It is useless to suggest to try it again. The menu is the same, what will make another visit worth it. Even if your “company” might like it. All of you are better off eating somewhere else. Life holds many win-win situations. No one has to die so that the rest could live.

    I loved reading the post soooo muuucccchhhh.

    • :)

      shimz, i like the analogy! yes, i know the menu, and i like none of what’s in it!

      i loved reading your comment *smile*

  8. I’m writing it before I even start: this maybe a ridiculously long comment.

    I learned the hard way about the chasm that exists between ‘changing for others’ and ‘changing because of others or just changing’, and how, and no matter how much we yearn it, the earlier never worked the long we’d hoped. For me, the distinction is described when I buy chocolate. I would never tire of getting myself chocolate. But I would tire of buying chocolate for someone else to eat.

    This is why one can’t sacrifice a certain thing for a lifetime. They will lose substance and perish even though at the beginning they were doing it glowingly; because it felt like a lovers reunion, a perfect match, a tiny (falsely magnified) misunderstanding that we could live out of, a renewed sense of kindness and responsibility, or a recharged battery for yet another round .. of sacrifice.

    This is how I fought the existence of my first step mom. The rounds .. they drained the hell out of me, because I could observe it all, every little freaking detail, every fake gesture and false smile, every unauthentic promise and glib word – how, after a disappearance following thunderous days, followed by words as ‘reconsideration’ and ‘family’, how after all that, it all falls apart again .. slowly, as if disappointment is the new soda.

    Red and young, I thought she was evil; but as wisdom caught up with me I learned that it’s not about the good and bad in people. As a matter of fact, two bad people can live the perfect life two good people dream of. Rather, it’s about who people really are; how sometimes things won’t just work. How pushing a wall only takes your breath. How the wall, instead, only gets thicker once touched.

    So, insomniac, what I want to tell you is that I believe it’s not really an equation of ‘right’ and ‘easier’, because this ‘easier’ is just how it comes up after the break, the rest, and once the game heats, all gets back to normal: the smiles? they get surprisingly straight, the ‘this could be our home’? it would be ‘you’re the reason I don’t care anymore’. Because, simply and point blank, the change is for you to be his wife (not for you, even!), for society to give amnesty, for a ‘married man’ stereotype, to satisfy a sporadic untrustworthy feeling of parenthood that gets smudged in moments of anger of frustration, to fill a void another woman failed to, against all hope, fill.

    I know that you don’t give it thought and that you never leaned to the idea of reconciliation, but what’s so unnerving is the frustration people around still manage to inflict upon you. Words as ‘guilt’, ‘impose’, and ‘confused’, and how they could nudge your comfort so that it’s too late to wrap apathy around yourself. Do they not know that he will tire again? Do they not know that he never really changed? that he just adjusted to fit a most uncomfortable spot? does HE not know himself? Or does he? but what would you say about free time? Men hate free time. They need action. And I assure you, once he finds it somewhere/with someone else, he’ll forget all about you, like he once did. (like he twice did?). People in your life should know this. Tell them crystal clear, the difference between a ‘wife’ and a ‘life’. How you lost the latter once, because of the earlier. And how again, the same cycle repeats. Tell them to not push it. People are the ones who should stop playing with your mood. One can ignore only so much. And most important of all, do not tell HIM about any of that. You’ll find an ocean of promises heading your way – knee jerk reaction towards concerned women. In fact, and again I say, try your best and cut the communication to absolute minimum.

    I don’t know if I told you that before (my amnesia is lurking around the corners of my head), but you’re too smart a woman for men in your country, too independent for their traditional expectations, too witty for their peace of minds, too confident for their lacking egos, too restless for their comfort, too demanding for their logic – Yet, you’re the challenge they would die to take only outdoors, you most subtly provoke their chivalry, your drama is the definition of their fulfillment, raise a hand and you’d find many who’d listen to you and care about you and the kids, even cast some of their magical perspectives to astonish you, the smart and the handsome, the experienced and the stout. But inside homes, insomniac, it’s a wholly different story. Eastern men are all the same. They will still need delicious lunch on sumptuous tables. They will still need authority because it’s just a need. They will still tire from your restlessness if not quell it. They will feel intimidated when they find that, against their expectations, you’re that witty inside the house, that independent in domestic sovereignty, that confident on breakfast! They thought it was just a game outside, they thought of you what they think of themselves: we men do the magic outside only. But you women of this century, somehow, outwent us and managed to make it a lifestyle. We’re still far behind. You’re bound to be disappointed with us, when life takes course again. We tire of buying you chocolate. Because we never learned to change that bit in us, yet. We would tell you how we will change for you, how we would take care of the kids, how we would understand your ‘mess’. But, on a subconscious level, we get back to who we are. Even if we deny it. And then you end up the one being hurt.

    So, that said, I agree that the man you want doesn’t exist in the middle east. You’d find ones who try as hell to change and cope, but no matter how far they reach, insomniac, I guess at some point in time, the all-or-nothing thing might be a tall order. The best, I believe, you could hope for, is a man who’s clear about not being the perfect match, but whose desire for change is as clear as the sun, induced solely from the inside, to be a better man in life generally, and who understands impeccably the consequences of making sacrifices, and how they should be communicated clearly (I was gentle to you in the club because I wanted to grab your attention. I don’t always smile back to criticism, we would have to work on that. I still feel awkward about your freakishly good knowledge about many things, you’ll have to give me a chance at times. I care about your kids but everytime you mention the trouble I feel like I’m not enough, please reassure me more frequently. I never bought flowers before this time, so I wasn’t always that sweet, but I want to be, so expect some drop downs. You said an opinion about something before, I had a comment I feel I’m ready to say now. I’m not comfortable with X, how should we manage?) You should help him to get to know you. You should not assume he’d know because he simply wouldn’t. In other words, and as funny as that may seem, help him be whoever he wants to be, and then claim him. As much as that’s a bang in the ego of the males reading this, believe it or not guys, that’s how we learn about relationships, it’s just that we never really did it that way before. or if we wanted to, we fail to word it out in the situation.

    Ah and I forgot to say, that you’ll have a part in the process as well, i.e you’ll have to change too. Compromises and so. Ya3ny mesh koll mal ragel yetooh fel share3 you keep telling him about how good you are with directions :P

    I am willing to receive el sheteema on the comment’s length anytime between 9-12 PM Cairo time.

    Did I mention how each time I talk about these topics, they scare me to death?,

    • i read your comment twice so far, and i am skimming through it now as i reply…

      before i answer some of the things you said, i must say my ego felt great because of some of the things you said, especially the part about how i’m too much for the average bora3y to handle… it’s like you described my marriage… msA, i am impressed at your choice of words, and taba3an my ego is boosted, thanks :))

      like you, i believe that the only change one can choose to make is the kind of change one thinks he/she needs to make for no one else but their own selves… i learned the hard way that i can’t be less messy for my husband, or i can, but i can’t sustain it for long; i need to want to be less messy for me… and it goes on for all sorts of things… i need to learn to communicate better when i am upset, i need to accept the things i have no power changing, i need to freak less about control, i need to just relax and let someone take over instead of worrying… i try to do it for my own well being as well as my kids’, but of course i snap out of control from time to time, but i still “evolve”… i know that whatever i change about myself on my own, will be more lasting than what i could possibly do merely for someone else…

      (hey, when did i ever rub it in that i am good with directions??!! it just happens that all the guys i know feel too bad about it, as if having a good sense of direction is a Y chromosome thing!!!)

      another part i honestly couldn’t have said better (or actually, couldn’t say it as clearly as you did) – it will all change back and he will find ways to blame me again, even more than he did the first time around because now, i am not the same person who loved him before… those two paragraphs re exactly all the things i just couldn’t have the energy to explain… i will copy them and paste them and print them and even translate them, THANKS for sparing me the effort of verbalizing them :)

      aaand back to the whole “change” part… it’s a dance, and it needs to dedicated partners, and by “dedicated” i mean, they know it will not always be easy, they will stump on each others toes, but they should understand that it’s malice-free and expect it to happen again, even if less frequently… relationships are trial-and-error i suppose, we just need to have the patience and the tolerance… may be there is someone out there who will make it worth it for me, and may be there isn’t, but i am passing on this one, be dameer mesteraya7, alhamdulilah :)

      (mafeesh sheteema!!!!)

      (oh, and don’t be scared, you just need to practice your ability to express yourself louder with that one, and well, hope for the best :) )

  9. You know how they say that (besarf elnazar meen they ;)) hate equals love in importance but it’s the indifference that really says it’s over.
    Well,our opinion doesn’t matter much as long as you feel and think against it.
    especially that we (friends, family or even readers who don’t know you in person) just state opinions based on personal experiences and thoughts concerning you, ourselves and life.
    I, for one, never settled for anything less than my ultimate desire in life which is LOVE…I never cared for risks, society, people or anything as long as i had LOVE in a 7alal way :)..you know what i mean and how i am…bas bardo…along the way I’ve been where you were and are in some form or shape…i knew what i wanted and what i didn’t want and acted upon it and i got what i wanted…but not easily nor free…what we want comes with a price, risks and tolls that will forever be paid.
    Yet, i may have advised you to reconsider your X a few times in different occasions and i would like to clarify my reasons:
    – a suggestion to reconsider never hurts anyone nor stress you if you REALLY and totally are over him (da gheer eny ba suggest btaree2a funny o lazeeza fa dameery mesh ta3ebny :P)
    – I and I repeat, I, need to show full support and understanding if you’d choose anything whatever it is because i care about YOU being happy not you being in a way i think is right! (weslet wala day3a hehe)
    – your x is for a fact, in my opinion wana 7ora b2a hah :D : great in two things…his constant care towards his boys (THAT IS SO RARE AND PRECIOUS) and his constant cherishing for you despite the mess he caused in the past…he is a human (maybe a sedegh one bas bardo human) and i hope he learned a great deal from what happened to him.
    – having the same taste in music and films is like marrying someone who doesn’t like chocolate (gesmy ash3ar hehe)…we can live with that…you in particular can…you get along great with many different types of friends…
    – wa a5eeran…yes…because i really love you i wish you the easier type of life…the one without struggle…because i really believe that peace is more essential than anything in this whole wide world…and sometimes i hope he would change and make you fall in love with him again so you could all be happy…you and your kids
    bas…so…i suggest to re think but without one ounce of depreciation of your rightful need to be with someone you LOVE.
    ya inso…i agree with mindful and i agree with jgoe and i agree with you…because that’s how life is…diverse and simple and complicated and kama qal alsha3er, just like a box of chocolate (oo ely gaya de men 3andy) sometimes you’d never know what will really be good for you.
    HUGS*
    oo bokra leqa2on samett :D

    • bokra mesh haykoon leqa2 samet, just PLEASE don’t bail on me!!

      ana masdooma feiki… you’re quoting “them” (homma mein dool aslan!!)… no seriously… of all people you know eny bat7eme2 even when i don’t care; you’re like me, obsessed with what should be done and how very few actually take it upon them to make it!! so when i jumpy up the ceiling because of something he said/did, you know it’s not because i “care” or “i am not over him”, it’s simply who i am, incapable of being “barda”!

      yes, nothing comes for free, i completely agree… and if a harder life with little peace is what i pay for my freedom, then be it…

      as for your much valued advice (heya ah ma3agabetneesh, bas it will always remain valued ya rooshaty), nerrod 7etta 7etta :)

      – mesh ba3raf a3mel ay 7aga estekhsar :) ya2emma neck-deep with passion, and i hold on to it responsibly even when i get bored, ya2emma nothing :) reconsidering might not be of harm, but it won’t be full heartedly, fa mayelzamneesh (moral nazi ;) )

      – i luf you and completely appreciate that you support me all the way despite how dumb my decisions could be :) beggad, all through the past couple of years, you’re one of the very few to whom i could spill the madness in my head without worrying about being judged… so the x or no x, i know you got my back and i am forever grateful *hug*

      – about the x being a great father, yemken, especially in comparison with others in his shoes, but he remains not even a remotely good parent when compared to my dad for example… i know it’s due to his own personal traits… but he’s not the kind of influence or role model i’d want them to be with on daily basis; if they learn any of his dance moves (aywa, ehe2 ehe2), hammawet nafsy!! i know he tries, but between each attempt and the next, he expects something in return from me, which is infuriating, and then he gets angry and reacts when he feels rejected… tab maho i have nothing but rejection for him, a3melloh eh!!

      – shofty albek waga3ek ezay 3ashan el chocolate :P it’s not about the music, it’s about knowing my mood and what’s in my mind when i play a certain song; this is how i channel my unspoken words, and he simply couldn’t crack that code after 5 years of marriage!!

      – it’s easy in theory, but like ibhog said, it will be easy for a while until he no longer remembers why he wanted me back in the first place, and then it will all happen all over again… people do change, but not all of them are capable of such extreme change, especially if they only do it to g et something they want, not because they really want to change for their own sake

      and yeah, you never really know for sure what’s good for you, but as far as chocolate goes, i will never like nougat or peanuts, so i will simply pass on those chocolate and enjoy my kitkats until i get my lindt ;) (i am almost sure you’re having chocolate cravings right now :p)

  10. I do :'(

    oo lindt ta7deedan :)

    • tab bokra negeeb, bas es7y badry la7san tela2eeny bakhabatlek 3ala bab el beet el sa3a 9!

  11. So many long comments!!

    I loved reading this post. I truly did.
    you know, I actually do believe in all that you’ve mentioned above and I agree, there HAS to be common interests, thoughts and beliefs.

    I don’t belive in all the romantic crap of ‘love will solve all’, because what’s more important is like you said having someone as a companion, a roomate and if you have that I think you can make it work:)

    and do not settle for him. I know the feeling of repulsion and not neccasarily from the history, but from the thoughts beliefs and bland humor like you said :)

    keep hoping. You never know

  12. I felt like I was reading my own blog. I just wrote a similar one this morning. When a woman cannot express who she is with the man she is with, it slowly kills her. That is my opinion. No, love will not solve all…but the right one will use love as the excuse to solve all. That’s the one you’re looking for.

    • glad you know what i mean…

      actually, i am not looking for someone who’d need “excuses” to work things with me… the idea of “excuses” is a deal breaker…

      he has to be there because he wants to be there, and the day he wonders why on earth he’s there is the day he should perhaps consider leaving… as extreme as it sounds :)

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