Mystery of the Day!
I had a therapy session yesterday.
We talked about the bubble. I explained that when I started to define my private space in terms of the bubble, I sort of got confused with the other analogy of me living in a bubble and concluded that in both scenarios, the bubble deprived me of actual privacy because it kept me exposed 24/7 forcing me to keep a certain image and perhaps become that image in a sense – elly beetoh men ezaz mayghayarsh hedoomo fel salon kinda thing.
I admitted that I resent the bubble because it never prepared me for what was outside it although it was right there before my eyes all the time. I said that thinking of it, I am not sure if I am who I am because I felt like I was being watched all the time or because it would be my choice if no one was watching.
She chose to rule out the latter, it being a philosophical question and all, then she asked about the things I was never prepared for, the things I took for granted, I couldn’t think of anything but honesty despite her asking for more things; I insisted that all things lead to honesty! I couldn’t think of solid examples although I know for a fact that most of my shocks were because of dishonesty!
Only my marriage came to mind, needless to say.
We talked about that for a while. We talked about how I first found out about his dishonesty and how confrontational I was. We talked about the options I had back then and if I’d do anything differently if I go back in time. We talked about my privacy, my right to privacy, and my other rights.
She asked me if I thought of myself as an honest person. I told her I tried my best to be, but even then, I am aware that I am not 100% honest, I am aware of my slips even those I don’t specifically recall. She disliked my answer because she saw how neutral I made it sound and how I structured it to be gray rather than black/white, or at least that’s how I felt given her reaction.
She left for a while, long enough for me to try to figure out where she was headed with all her questions, especially those for which my answers failed to satisfy her. I tried to figure out if she was trying to lead me to a certain point, or if she was trying to corner my mind in a way to get it to stop drifting off to distractions; I know she’s on to my mind’s defense mechanisms, and I know it makes it hard for me to help her help me! Then I decided to not fight it, at least not consciously, and let her take the lead; isn’t this the point anyway? Anyone else in charge instead of me for a change!
I finally noticed that I opened my notebook and started scribbling. I started out to draw a tulip, but it turned into a feather! I moved on deciding to just draw one line or one curve at a time and completely surrender to where it would take me, I came up with an abstract thing that I cannot define. I started drawing a circle over and over and over and before I know it, I decided to make a flower out of it, in a pot! And finally, there was the curve, then another curve, and before I know it, I had a chair in mind.
That was when she walked in. we resumed a bit, then she asked me what I did while she was out. I didn’t tell her about my pondering, I just told her I scribbled, she said she was curious to see, I opened the notebook and gave it to her. She made some kind of comment and said she was mostly interested in the abstract ones and asked me what I had in mind. I told her that I had nothing in mind with the first one and that I only stopped drawing it when I saw what looked like a crab-claw, and that second was a “chair” in the process. She smiled and asked me what they meant, I told her I had no clue, and asked her if she knew, she smiled and said “how would I know, you drew that”. It felt that she was provoking me into something, but I didn’t dwell.
She asked me when I expect people to lie – lying being an act of dishonesty. I didn’t understand what she meant, she asked if I expected people to lie when they’re sitting, standing, moving, etc. I told her I didn’t exactly link lying to a body language as much as I linked it to logic. She asked me when I am most likely to lie, if I do it while sitting, standing, or moving, etc. I told her I’d most likely be doing something else at a time to hide my body language and avoid eye contact because I just don’t know how to sit/stand still and look someone in the eye as I lie to them!
We resumed the exhausting session. Yes, it felt draining that she kept asking questions to which she refused to take most of my answers or pushed for more and more, and yet some more, but almost none seemed to be what she wanted me to say. I felt completely out of my element and unable to analyze any of it!
Finally, she gave me my tasks for next session, and while I was putting my notebook back in my bag, she added “I have another thing for you to do, it’s rather boring but I would like you to do it… go to google images type ‘chair’ and see all the image results until page 12”
I am going nuts here! Not only have I done that, I have also googled “art therapy interpretations” and looked for chair or any such reference that would tell me what the chair could possibly mean, but NONE.
I miss Dr. Magdy!